Chapter 1
Chapter 1 Training A Wolf The eerie cries of the wind lasted all night, swallowing everything up in a shroud of white. The blinding sheets of snow just kept falling and falling. Mother Nature did what she wanted all night long. This morning everything looks peaceful and calm. Tree branches are curling down with the weight they are holding, but the trunk doesn’t bend; it’s still as straight as yesterday. As I walk outside with the Alpha, the air seems clean and fresh, yet very cold. It’s still out here, a hot fire crackling in the middle of the yard as if it’s been waiting just for us. Big logs in various stages of burning are melting the outer edges of the snow line, pushing the white back to expose the dirt underneath. One single chair has been set out just outside the heat of the fire. Alpha Clinton takes the chair, sitting down, legs spread, thick forearms resting on each of the armrests. He looks me up and down, eyes gleaming with sharp teeth showing. He’s provoking the Nature of the Wild with the way he’s staring deliberately at her. “Shift.” A one-word command not spoken again. He must be used to people following everything he says. Leaning slightly forward, he watches as the Wild ascends slowly, not smoothly, but not as horribly as the first time. Hips realigning into their sockets, fur still feeling like a million sharp needles puncturing from inside out. Knives pushing out from fingernails, a drop of blood pollutes the pristine ground. Shaking out her fur, stretching her muscles lazily, attention focused on everything but what’s in front of her. “Shift.” She turns her head away from him, unwilling to listen. Instead, she takes a step toward the forest that’s calling out to be explored. Eyes off of the male sitting calmly in the chair, turning her back on him, taking another step toward the woods. That’s her first mistake to take her eyes off of something that can spring faster than sound. Her nose is pushed hard into the ground. He holds her there by the scruff of her neck, knee on her back so she has to have her belly against the ground. A deep growl comes out her chest, which produces a deep chuckle from the Silverback. “This is going to be hard on you, Little Moon. Your wolf thinks she has balls.” He holds her in her place until her squirming ceases, the growls die down. Her fur is saturated with melting snow from the heat her body is giving off. He gets off of her, and she rights herself, facing him again. A posture of intent says she’s not happy with the way she is handled. Again he’s on her, but this time, it’s much more painful. Nails dig into the scruff of her neck, his teeth barely out, just the tip of those long canines descending. He picks her up easily, slamming her down on the snow. Somehow she’s turned on her side, and his knee is placed just underneath her ribcage, angling up in her abdomen, making it hard to expand her lungs fully. His hand is still on the scruff of her neck, pressing her cheek into the ground. She’s splayed out before him, a dominant easily toying around with his plaything. “Shift.” He says it into her raised ear. Teeth coming out more, he’s making sure she sees what he’s holding back from her. “Shift.” His voice deepens with vocal cords that are starting to shift into his Wild form. She fights him now, trying to wiggle out of his hold, teeth snapping at him. She does not like this position of being dominated. He lets her go. She thinks she’s won until he pulls his sweater over his head, exposing a tight white shirt that stretches over his muscular frame. She starts to back pedal away from him slowly as that shirt comes off his body. She still stands tall, but apprehension starts humming along her spine, tensing her muscles to the core when he kicks off his boots, his pants sliding down thick thighs. He’s not an underwear-loving male. We just saw his father in all his naked glory. We will never un-see that. “Shift.” It’s said one last time. Instead of waiting to see if she will follow, he’s on her quick. Wolf’s teeth are shaking her neck back and forth before letting go. He rolls her on her back, biting to draw just a touch of blood to her exposed underbelly, teeth press into flesh in her tendons of her joints, making her muscles tingle slightly with the pressure. He could have ended her so easily. He keeps biting along her body enough to cause discomfort, but not true pain. She can’t right herself, unable to get up with his onslaught of teeth. He comes to her neck, putting the whole thing in his strong jaws. Vibrating her body with his growls, she stills in his grip like a limp doll. This is not a learned trait; this is the pure instinct of self-preservation to become docile at this moment. The first law he is teaching her is about hierarchy: he’s the top of the food chain, only listening to the will of the moon herself. He holds her hard until her tail starts to curl under, crouching low on the ground, belly fur wet with the snow that’s clinging to it, knotting it up on the underside. With a snarling glare, he releases her from his death grip, only to come back again and attack her over and over and over again until she is crouched down as small as she can make herself, ears pressed flat against her head, whimpering, with a tail that curls around her body. Blood speckles the snow as if someone has flung a paintbrush out, polluting the white canvas that was so pristine just an hour ago. Sitting on his haunches, he just stares into the Wild’s eyes until she looks away at the snow, eyes going to his again. He’s still staring; she looks away again. This continues with her unable to hold his glare. Law number one: He’s the Alpha. Shifting, he starts to dress. With his back turned to her, he calmly instructs her to do what he wants. “Shift.” Immediately, she shifts slowly into skin form, still not a pretty sight. Doing up his pants, he turns around as I’m shivering in the snow trying to turn my nakedness away from him. “Shift.” A long groan comes out my mouth as muscles realign, tearing, popping, fitting into place. “Shift.” He pulls his tight shirt down over his chest. Reaching for his sweater, he dusts the snow off of it before putting it on. “Shift.” Sitting in his chair, he just watches me. “Shift.” He starts to put his socks on along with his boots. “Shift.” The Wild’s head angles up with a loud whimper coming out her throat. Whining for this to stop. She’s splayed out before him, a dominant easily toying around with his play thing. “Shift.” He says it into her raised ear. Teeth coming out more, he’s making sure she sees what he’s holding back from her. His war of white teeth. The Wild’s head angles up with a loud whimper coming out her throat. Whining for this to stop. “Shift.” It’s as if he’s sitting at the potter’s wheel, throwing the clay down, releasing it, refining it into what his vision is of the final product. I just hope that I don’t break in his hands before he’s done with me. “Shift.” The day is spent with one word in our ears, cracking the cocoon of skin to fur back to skin. He doesn’t let up, that one-word tempo becoming faster and faster. Stunned with my loss of focus, colors shift in and out of eyes of the Wild and skin. I sigh as I grope the ground, trying to hold myself in place. I just can’t as I shift over and over again until the night bleeds into the day, taking away all the light. By the time Luna Grace yells out the door to come and eat, I can shift effortlessly, in shimmering smoothness that all full-grown wolves can do. I have no more awkwardness to my shift. I must have done it thousands of time throughout the day. In the same breath, he says shift twice and I do before he can inhale another breath. His eyebrows raise at what I have just done. “You’re the first female I have ever seen be able to do that.” He’s excited by this, as if this is what he has been waiting to see. “Come, my Little Moon, let’s eat.” Walking behind him, my legs are shaking so much I have a hard time keeping upright. He hands me a colorful robe from the hook. My fingers feel numb trying to tie up the knot to secure the garment on me. What must I look like to them as I take my place on the Luna’s left? Kennedy remains in front of me. Her plates have been filled, stacked up high. I notice the way her body slightly angles Cash’s way. Her nose inhaling deeply, she tries to hide the way her eyes close slightly in pleasure. It’s as if she’s eating the roll I gave her the way his smell affects her with pleasure. No one else’s plate has food on it. My stomach clenches in hunger. I can actually feel the saliva pooling at the back of my throat. “Let’s eat.” He says it fast as hands start to grab platters, filling their plates high. The Luna gives a small growl at all her males as she takes her own portion. The Alpha doesn’t need to growl as big paws swipe what he wants. It’s whirlwind fast how the food disappears; one piece of bread is left. I go to reach for it, but before I have time, it’s snatched away by Crane, his grinning mouth bites into it fast, laughing silently at me. Nothing is left. “If you don’t believe you should eat, you never will eat,” Alpha Clinton says between bites of mashed potatoes. I look at Kennedy’s overflowing plate and I hate her in this moment, yet I understand her need for it. Yet she didn’t take anything; it was all given to her. I wonder, if her body doesn’t hold the future it’s preparing for, will they always just give her food? No one shares what they have with me. My plate lays untouched. Ready to be put back in the cupboard without being washed. “Are you hungry, Rya?” The Luna is leaning toward me with compassion in her eyes. “Yes.” “Well, maybe next time when you sit at our table, you’ll be hungry enough to try and eat. You should go and try to get some sleep tonight. It’s going to be an early morning for you.” She dismisses me, yet I don’t move right away. I can hear them eating, forks shoveling food that I didn’t try for. I realize I’m just sitting looking at my empty plate. I don’t want to go through the rest of my life clenching my jaw with gritted teeth. Lips in a straight line. I want to stop the pain in my lungs that repress the need to scream out. I don’t want to feel crippled with my need to bend my tail constantly for others. “You should just quit now, Rya.” Cash’s voice irritates my skin with the way he speaks to me. “No female has ever lasted out there, let alone in the winter time. You’re going to fail like you failed over and over again. It’s like you were born to be a loser.” Kennedy chokes on her food, looking at Cash in disbelief. Everyone around the table puts their forks down as if waiting, watching for the next move. What do I say back to him? He’s right. Standing up, I turn away from them all, making my way upstairs with my shoulders hunched. “That’s what I thought. You’re wasting your time on her, Father.” Harsh words tumble out of his mouth. I just hope one day his tongue tastes bad with the way he might have to eat them. “We feel the exact same way about you, Cash.” Big eyes all around look at Cash for his response. His mouth tries to move, but he has nothing to say. “What?” I say it quietly, directing it at Cash, my body turning his way. “I didn’t say anything.” That voice of his that held such a terrible tone has become a little shaky with what his father just said to him. “I thought you said something. I was wrong.” So much for his prideful effort. “She has a tongue.” It’s Carson who blurts the words out before laughing at Cash. They look so much like each other, except one is growing his hair out and one has a shaved head. “Don’t pay him any mind, Rya. He’s just upset that he’s been saving himself for that.” Carson’s turn to hit him in the face with his words. Cash tries to lunge for his brother across the table, but the Alpha stands up as his fists pound against the strong wood. How many blows has that table taken in its lifetime? “How many times do I have to say it? Not in the house. Outside, all of you.” He sits back down as the rest of the males get up, making their way outside to finish their conversation of fists. “Rya, would you like to watch them, maybe learn something?” Luna Grace continues to eat her food, along with Kennedy, whose hair is now shielding the side of her face with how her new family feels about her. I just walk away from them into the room I’m now calling home. Picking up the paper that fell to the floor from last night, I place it on the pile of other crumpled papers. I look through the stack as if they have been crumpled up over and over again only to be smoothed out, never again coming back to their original form. His acceptance letter to medical school, the contract of him coming to my pack. Legal terms that I can’t understand. Money, he was paid a lot of money to come. More than I would make my entire life working as a midwife, and I get paid very well. The terms of him finding a mate and how he gets to bring her back with him. Another paper shows a house deed in his name and his mate’s, Maysa. That’s her name, and it’s beautiful. She’s the same age as him, birth dates only a month apart. He was born in the spring in the season of new beginnings. Clayton was born in the weaning month of March. A black and white sketch of his face draws my attention to his eyes. They are sparkling even in the greyness of a charcoal pencil tip. I wonder who drew this? I bet it was his true mate. She was very talented, an artist—that’s hard to compete against. Natural talent. I bet she was able to eat at their table, unlike me. The next image takes my breath away. It’s a grainy black and white ultrasound picture. I can read it easily, a big healthy male. Nothing wrong at all with this pup, who looks to be growing perfectly in a little nest made just for him. He must be around six months in gestation by the measurements on the side of the sheet. A soft cry wants to bubble its way up my throat. It’s his pup; I can feel it in my heart. Picking up the phone, I call him again. He answers immediately, as if he’s been waiting all day for this phone call. “Hello.” The deepness of his voice settles over my skin. It’s amazing that the mark of his Wild allows me to feel him on my body. I want to ask him, but my mouth refuses to open with its probing questions. “Rya?” Big breath in and out. “I found the ultrasound picture.” Silence, except for his intake of breath. “This is hard for me, Rya.” “I can’t even imagine what you have been through, Dallas.” The truth of what he has had to endure makes my life not as bad. So what if I got rejected by my mate? His has died with a pup inside her belly. How do you go on from that? I can understand now why he tried to give up on his life. “It’s not easy to move on from that.” His voice cracks. “Dallas, I’m so sorry.” “It happened. I had a mate, a pup on the way, and they died. I couldn’t save them, so I decided to save others.” “You’re a good doctor, Dallas.” “What did you do today?” His change of subject tells me the conversation needs to be changed. “I shifted all day long.” “I remember he did that to me when I first had my shift. That hurt so bad. How do you feel?” “Shaky, my legs feel like Jell-O.” “Mine were the same way, Rya.” A slight laugh out from him with his memory that’s not focused on his loss. “Can I ask you something?” “Anything, no matter what.” “Why does Cash hate me so much?” “He’s just upset at the wrong wolf, Rya. He thinks that you quit. We were raised never to give up on something we wanted. I think he feels like you just rolled over without a fight. I tried talking to him about it, but he’s got it in his mind that you could have done more, that you gave up, and he told me that you will give up on me too. I think that’s what he’s scared of most—that you will give up on us.” “Dallas, I was whipped, shunned. I couldn’t even eat with my parents for years.” “You don’t need to tell me this, Rya. I can’t even imagine how your life was like.” “Is it true he saved himself for Kennedy?” A heavy sigh comes out his mouth. “Yes, he had this image of a mate in his head, and he never strayed in his belief that when he found her, it would be worth not having anyone else underneath him.” “Did you save yourself for your mate?” “No. I’d had a few females before her. She’s not my first, Rya.” He sounds slightly disappointed in himself. I’m slightly shocked by his revelation. “Were you her first?” I wonder how she felt not being a first. “No, I was not her first.” “Really?” I’m stunned; they were young when they met. A knock at my door has my eyes looking into Kennedy’s. “I need to go. I’ll call you tomorrow. Bye, Dallas.” “Bye, Rya.” “Why are you in my room?” Leaning against the door frame, she looks at me with pleading eyes. “I need you to help me. I need you to get me something so I can get rid of it if I become pregnant.” She’s leaking an ocean of salt tears that I have no intention to provide comfort for. “I can’t have a pup, I can’t.” Her layers are peeling back like sheets of pastry dough. They look fragile and easy to tear, except I don’t care. “I can’t help you. I have no access to their clinic. You need to ask Cash or the Luna about this. It’s none of my business what you and your mate decide. Now get out.” As she turns around, she comes face to face with Cash, who must have heard the whole conversation. He has a bruise on his jaw but otherwise no other marks to say he was just fighting. “How could you even think of doing something like that?” His whole body posture tells me how hurt he is at hearing her words. She says nothing back to him. “Don’t worry, if you get pregnant I’ll raise that pup myself. You can go back to your pack, back to him. But I won’t let you ruin this possible future I might have, my only chance to have something good.” In this moment, I see his fight leave him; all the effort he was willing to put into her has gone away. There’s no more light in his eyes. He’s given up. “Get out.” Revulsion coils itself deep within me as I look at a female that I envied. I wanted to be like her, to mirror her so that I was wanted by him. She is someone I would never want to be like. An ugliness has settled over her once beautiful features in my mind. It feels like I just closed my eyes before my name is called to wake up. “Rya, get dressed. It’s time to go.” Alpha Clinton’s voice is sliding up the steps to touch my ears. I slip on something that I really don’t like just in case I ruin it with a shift. My muscles are feeling so much better. The Luna and Alpha are the only ones up this early in the morning, greeting me with heart smiles. “Come on, Rya, it’s a long way. I want to be back before dark today.” He’s giving me gloves and hat while he is in a snowsuit. Before leaving, he picks up his Luna in his arms, pressing a lingering kiss to her mouth, which she enjoys. They have a strong bond, I can see this, and it makes my heart want that kind of love. *** It was a long ride through giant snow drifts, with only a small path in the bush for the snowmobile to roar down. No four wheel drive could possibly get through this. Holding onto the side of this male, I asked him where we were going, and he just replied that it’s time for me to learn how to eat. By the time we stop, my whole body is freezing. He takes away my hat and mitts. I can hear some fighting in the distance between wolves; it sounds like they are attacking each other. Walking toward the noise in the deep snow, my pants and shoes are wet up to my knees. A bitter cold is slowly letting me know that I have to get warm soon. The skin side could never survive too long in this weather. Walking into the clearing, I see a fresh kill that the wolves are devouring. The site is stained in blood, muzzles dripping in the crimson life that the moose has provided them. “You’ll have to learn to fight for your place in the pack, or else you’ll have no place. Just remember, if you believe you can eat, you will eat. If you don’t believe in yourself, you will starve.” He starts to walk away from me as I start to follow him. “No, Rya, you’re going to stay out here for a while. I’ll come get you when they think you’re ready.” “I can’t live out here.” “You don’t have to. Your Wild has to do all the work. When she has put her effort in and learns how to be part of the pack, then I’ll come and get you so your skin side can start the work it needs.” The sharpness of authority in his tone leaves no room for argument. “You should shift soon so you don’t freeze out here. I’ll see you soon. Just remember watch, listen, learn.” I can hear the start of the snowmobile, its engine roaring to life while I just stand in place contemplating what to do next. The Wild inside me is excited by all of this, her dreams of the wild coming true. Except she isn’t as wild as she thinks she is. Shifting, the Wild slowly makes her way toward the pack, one brave step at a time. She gives them her signs of peaceful friendship, tail wagging, tongue hanging out slightly. She’s cautious but hopeful. Grey fur bodies turn toward her as they lift their noses to take in the scent. Their muzzles are stained in blood that my wolf wants to taste. They meet her signs of peace with their language of war. Large canines exposed with the curl of lip, noses scrunched tight. Ears flattened, not in submission. Shoulder muscles twitching excitedly to jump. Tails straight out. My Wild is watching all this posturing as she starts to give her own snarl back to them. If they want war, she can do exactly what they are doing. Stiff leg stance, her snarl of menace is just as fierce. This won’t be an easy fight, she’s telling them as she flashes her war of sharp white teeth. She’s taking all of them into her brain, trying to memorize who they are as she lifts a nose to smell scents in the air. A large male approaches, more ferocious than the others. A female on his right, her head angling underneath his neck every so often. Paws turning up the snow, grey fur stained in blood. They both have eaten their fill with the way their stomachs are bloated out. This is the most hostile environment we have ever been in. She crouches down instead of holding her form high. The alpha has taught her that lesson of hierarchy. Do not challenge a wolf you can’t beat. The closer the pair gets, the more she starts to panic slightly. They smell wild, full of the savage nature they come from. I notice a few scents of others like me, but they pay the wolf no mind, concentrating on eating the fresh kill. The leading pair approach cautiously, eyes regarding a new female that wants to enter the pack. The male putting his nose up against the fur, running it down the side until it’s pressed firmly underneath the Wild’s tail, taking her scent into his nose. The female leader does the same thing, having a good sniff of the female parts. Both of them give another snarl but don’t abuse us in any way. The Wild takes it as a cue that it’s okay to approach the kill sight. All heads turn her way in a wall of snarl and fang, which has her backing up, away from the threat. She’s hungry and wants what they have. The only problem is they are also hungry, and they earned that right to eat. The first wolf rushes us, biting into our shoulder once we get too close for their liking. They will not share, and their teeth hurt when they bite. It’s a long night of watching them eat pound after pound of flesh. Once all members of the pack have eaten, the Wild takes her chance, tearing into what remains, nothing but bone and a few pieces of meat clinging to the edges. It’s not enough to satisfy the hunger. Another day turns to three and nothing has been eaten. The pads of the Wild’s feet are bruised and bleeding with the way the snow freezes to it, cutting into the skin. The fur looks rough and mangled. The Wild is welcomed in the pack but only on the edge, the periphery. She spends the days watching the juveniles practice pouncing on the mice in the deep snow. The Wild puts her muzzle on the trail like they do, sniffing out their hiding places—finally figuring it out and relishing in the crunch of our first real kill. It doesn’t take long for the mouse population to suffer underneath her jaws. These little bites have sustained her throughout the long weeks. The pack refuses to let her hunt the big game with them, only allowing her to watch on the sidelines. Days and nights slowly go by as she learns from these wolves how to be a wolf. It’s not all teeth and claws, it’s licking, rubbing up against each other, it’s family looking out for one another. It’s companionship that makes her heart happy and mine. Listening to their language, it’s beautiful songs they sing at night to the moon. She even sings and no one is there to laugh at her. She is free to be who she is—a wild wolf. Blizzards roll in, ice storms entombing the trees in clear sheets of crystal. I’m really not sure how long I’ve been out here, but I know the way the moon was on the first night out here. The Wild has lost a lot of weight, but she’s still surviving. All the while she learns to start hunting with the pack. At first, they only let her observe, but today they are having her join them. No longer the juvenile that gets too excited by moving things, she understand that this is for survival. She has to eat; it’s not an option anymore. The hunt takes her over miles of terrain, slowly wearing down the bull moose through deep snow. She watches as the wolves circle it, doing her part to close in, tightening around the moose until it faces the oncoming assault of teeth, nipping at its hooves and legs. It has no chance now, its life just a memory as the alpha wolf grabs its throat, crushing it in its jaws. Once it’s dead, it’s a viciously controlled order of things, hierarchy playing its role. The Wild isn’t at the top, but she won’t eat last either. After some time, she gets the courage to approach the growls and snapping jaws, taking a few bites in the process, crawling belly low toward the goal. Sinking sharp teeth into the fresh blood-soaked meat, the Wild becomes drunk on its flavor. Her growls are just as furious as theirs. The Wild never tasted anything this good. Bite after bite she fills her stomach, and when she thinks nothing can be eaten anymore, she still continues to gorge until almost sick. After the successful hunt, it’s a lot of grooming each other, licking, smelling, and playing. They teach her how to play fight, nipping softly until she can hold her own against any one of them, including the Luna female. She is no match now for the Wild, who loves to sneak attack her. Another phase of the moon passes, and that makes four months I have been left out here to be raised by the wild wolves of Valentine. Part of me doesn’t want to go back. It wants to stay where everything is simple and easy. That’s why when my name is called, she deliberately runs away from the noise. Except the pack now tightens its noose around her, pushing her back toward the sound. Now it’s the Wild’s fangs they meet as she puts effort into not going back to a reality that has only brought pain and suffering to her. To me. Those wolves return the bites until the pack’s teeth are all against her. Whimpering, crying out to them, her wolf song pleads to stay with the pack, but they reject it, still pushing her toward the voices and heavy footsteps that crunch the snow loudly for ears to twitch against. “Rya.” That Silverback male is standing there with a collar in his hand. His males are flanking his side. It’s as if they know that she’s going to put up a fight. “Rya, come. Let’s go back home. This is not your home. You don’t belong with them.” His voice is strange against ears that have only had the animals to talk with. Whimpering again, she backpedals, only to get teeth sunk into her haunches. His sons start to spread out, trying to form a circle around the Wild, as if she’s their prey getting caught in their web. They close the noose tighter, hands spread out, looking bigger than they are. The hair lifts on the ridge of spine as she puffs herself out as best as she can. “Dad, look at her eyes,” Carson’s voice raises. Looking around at the options, the Wild decides to take on the weakest male, try to drive through that line. They must have known that would happen, because the Alpha steps in front of Crane fast as she tries to knock him down. With a grab to the scruff, he’s holding her down, except he has to put his whole effort into not getting his fingers taken off. The Wild has spent four months getting stronger, fighting with other wolves, running, hunting, using the body the way it should be used. She is powerful in her own way. His jaw clenches with his effort to try to lock the collar into place. Once he does this, he attaches the steel chain. A muzzle goes over her mouth, leather straps binding tight to keep teeth from inflicting damage. She cries the wild wolf cry while being dragged away from the pack that she has come to think of as family. They whimper and cry back but don’t move to help. A long rope is tied to the sled the Alpha is on. He runs her the whole way home. It’s not as difficult as it seems…her stamina has greatly improved. The Wild tries to break the binding, but it’s just too strong, the sled too powerful for her to try and overtake. The Wild cries the whole way back, her mournful song hurting even the males that are dragging her back. Once back to the house, the collar is taken off. The muzzle is last, and all of them stand on the balls of their feet, ready if attacked. Luna Grace comes out carrying a silk robe for me. “If you attack her, I will end you,” the Alpha states to the Wild. “Rya, come inside. Dinner’s ready.” My ears perk up. “Shift.” Alpha Clinton’s hard voice hurts my sensitive ears. I do as I’m told, and the robe is wrapped around me, protecting my modesty. It hurts to shift back, but I don’t let on. I want to talk; it’s just that I can’t seem to find words. Everything seems so strange walking upright on two legs. “You are the first female to make it through a winter with the Wilds of Valentine. The whole pack is excited to meet you, Rya. We can’t be prouder.” She squeezes my shoulder with her hand. I push my face into hers, cheek against cheek, rubbing myself against her. She has her fingers in my hair, pulling me against her chest. I can’t stop showing her my love, with gentle bites and nibbles to her skin. If humans were to see this, they would think I am just not right. But to wolves, this is how we show we care about them, how we love them. The food’s laid out just like before. Looking toward Kennedy, she has nothing on her plate but a variety of fruits. She’s pale and looking as if she has lost some weight. Taking a deep breath in, the future inside her is growing strong. Angling my head to the side, I can even faintly hear it’s heartbeat. Cash is sitting on his father’s left; his head is shaved again. Not one stray hair on his head. “You can have everything on the table except the fruit. It’s for Kennedy. She can’t stomach anything else,” the Luna says gently. “You should drink ginger tea.” Words are thick in my mouth. “It will help your nausea.” Luna Grace pats my hand. “You’re very kind, Rya. I will get her some in the morning.” “Let’s eat,” The Alpha calls out. This time, I take everything that is offered. My growls are just as deep as the males sitting at the table. Gripping the platters of food, I take what I can. Fight for every bite. Kennedy looks at me as if she’s seeing a stranger. I growl her way, lifting teeth that are meant to intimidate. “Rya.” A warning from the Alpha has me shoveling my meal into my mouth without dignity. “Tomorrow is another early day for you. It’s the skins’ turn to start training, and I have the perfect sparring partner for you.” I keep eating, elbows on the table, protecting my meal. “Who?” I say between mouthfuls. “Cash. He’s going to help you train.” Both Cash and I look at him like he’s lost his mind. “It’s about time the two of you fought it out.” Cash has a feral smile, and I give him mine back.
Chapter 2
Chapter 2 Effort Quiet indifference greets me when I walk into his room. The ceiling fan blows cool air on my neck and somehow finds its way to my chest from the little gap in my robe. I don’t hear the constant communication of the pack. The noise is humming, man-made. It’s not true nature’s music that I can understand. I want to go back. Taking a step out of the room, I think if I make a run for it, they might not be able to catch me. I’m very fast now. I take the first step down, and Cash takes the first step up. Both of us stop and regard each other. I take another step down; he takes two steps up. I take two steps down, he takes another two up, neither of us giving way to the other. Meeting in the middle, I’m just slightly taller than him because I’m on the upper step and he’s standing below me. Does that irk him right now that I’m above him, looking down? “You won’t be able to get out, if that’s what you’re thinking.” He says it like he knows what I’m about to do, a look shadowing his face. “My oldest brother had to be dragged back at least three times before he finally stayed home. My father had his hands full with him. He even had to call my grandfather to help track him.” I try to step around him; his hands go on both railings, blocking my path. “Why don’t you just turn around? I’m not in the mood right now,” Cash says with tired eyes, as if he hasn’t been sleeping well. He looks like he’s bulked up slightly, hormones of his mate’s heat and subsequent pregnancy making him more chiseled, with firmer muscle tone. His aggression level should be climbing more and more as Kennedy can’t shift, unable to protect herself from any threats that might come her way. The moon provides a natural testosterone-induced bodyguard for her females at this vulnerable time. I grab onto the railings with both of my hands blocking his way up. He leans into me, touching his chest against mine. Lips close to my ears, he says, “Just because you made it out there doesn’t mean—” “Excuse me.” Kennedy’s standing behind Cash, wanting to pass by the both of us. We both concede to her, letting the female pass by. It’s as if our aggression dissipates as she carefully slips past. I can see she accidentally brushes against Cash, reminding me of the way the female leader wolf of the pack showed her affection for the leader male, but Kennedy somehow made it look like it was by accident. It wasn’t; I can tell the difference. I watch her lean in slightly, smelling him. He angles away, looking everywhere else except her way. When she goes by me, her shoulders slightly curl forward, the faintest of movements, but I can see now. I notice the language of wolves. No sound, but big bold statements are being made right now. Her scent is of life, motherhood. “I’m taking a shower. You can have one after I’m done.” He’s talking to Kennedy as he follows the gap that Kennedy left from my hand being taken off the railing. His shoulder hits mine, shade thrown my way. “Rya, I’ll see you in the morning. Wear something that you don’t mind getting your blood on.” There is harmful intent in his tone, looking me in the eyes before he goes into the bathroom. Walking back into the bedroom, I notice the way ice still clings to the windows. Winter’s icy grip still hasn’t broken its hold on the land yet, their winter lasting a few weeks longer than my birth pack’s. Everything is how I left it, except the bed is made, nice and tidy. A present sits on the desk by my phone. I smile slightly to myself as I look at it, giddy at getting a present. I pull out a thick cookbook; the title is The Carnivore’s Guide to Meat. I open up the white envelope. Dallas’s handwriting is scratchy, but it looks like he’s trying to be legible. I saw this and thought of you, my meat eater! Congratulations. I miss you XO Dallas I feel like twirling again with a happy smile. I like his humor. Opening the book, I like that the pictures are matte and not shiny and glossy. You get a better feel for the meal. Sometimes I think that instead of fairy tale books that little girls get about a princess meeting a prince and living happily ever after, they should get cookbooks. Cookbooks can tell the history of the family, of regions, of culture, of religions, of how to get through the lean times. Not an illusion of make believe with a glass slipper that fits the right person and boom, your prince will love you forever, because that’s not real. Picking up the phone, I go into the bathroom and turn on the tap. The water sputters out just for a moment before it bursts out full of power. Someone has lined the counter with shampoos and conditioners, body wash, toothpaste, toothbrushes, everything a female needs. Looking around, I see no towel, so I step out of my room, watching Cash leave the bathroom he was in with a towel wrapped around his waist. Little beads of water still cling to his bald head. As soon as his door closes, I watch Kennedy slink out quietly, going into the bathroom and quickly returning with the shirt Cash was wearing. She has it to her nose before shutting the door behind her. She’s probably feeling the extreme need to have her mate by her side while pregnant, her compulsions getting the better of her, stealing his dirty clothes to satisfy her internal needs. Getting a few spare towels, I close my door, locking it behind me. Steam starts to rise up, surrounding me like a warm blanket. Stepping in, I let the water pool over my ankles. It’s slowly rising up, getting deeper. I sit down, pressing my back against the cold back of the tub. It’s a conflicting feeling. I have hot water soaking into my bones, but the cold porcelain against my back has me gasping with cold. It feels weird not having fur covering my body. I must stink of wild musky wolves. How did they stand my offensive smell at dinner time? The water is now up to my chest, relaxing me as I take a deep breath, the ends of my hair soaking wet, floating at my sides. Turning off the water, I turn my phone on. Noticing my messages are full, I place the call first before listening to them. He picks up before the first ring ends. “Rya.” My skin shivers with the way he says my name. I feel a rush of nervousness, and I don’t know why. “Dallas.” I watch as my toes peek out of the water, resting on the edge of the tub opposite me. “My meat eater. I’m proud of you, Rya. I knew you could do it, and in the winter. First female to ever do that!” Pride, that’s the tone of his voice. It feels good to have someone have pride in me. “Thanks, Dallas.” “How do you feel?” I can sense a smile in his voice. “I feel weird. It feels different. Like I can see things clearer. I notice little things more. I can hear better without words. Does that even make sense?” “I felt the same way when I came back. I had a hard time staying home. I kept running away from my house back with the wild wolves, drove my father crazy. He sent my grandfather the last time to get me, and I never ran away again. But I understand the pull to stay out there. After the accident, I thought I could go back out there and live out my life with them.” “I feel the same way. It was amazing. I was so scared at first, and I really didn’t even know anything, but I watched them and studied and practiced. Finally, I was able to hunt with them and really feel as if I was part of a pack for the first time in my life.” A hint of sadness that I didn’t want to expose utters out with the last few words I say. “That makes me angry, Rya. I just don’t understand that. I can’t comprehend how awful your juvenile years were. Trust me when I say this: you are part of the pack now. Never will you ever be treated that way again, ever!” A ferocity in his tone has a raw growl slipping out his chest. I understand that noise; it’s one of warning to be afraid of what that wolf intends. “Rya, I miss you. I just want you to know that.” That makes me smile, that someone actually misses me. Not like last time, as everyone couldn’t wait for me to be gone away from the pack. Out of sight, out of mind. I miss him. That’s the thought that grips me. I miss him. “I miss you too. How long do you think I’m going to be staying here?” I’m really curious as how long my training might be. “Who did my dad say was your trainer?” “Cash.” Dallas is laughing into the phone. “My dad has Cash training you?” “Yes.” “The training usually ends when you can beat your trainer.” I take a deep breath in. “What happens if I can’t beat him?” “My father would never put you against someone he doesn’t think you can beat. It just takes time. Remember, he’s third born, not first or second. He’s strong, but you were made to be a Luna. You’re naturally stronger than him. You have to believe in yourself. Remember to watch, listen, and learn. He has weaknesses. You have to find them and exploit them. I think once you’re trained, you might even beat Caleb, or at least give him a good go.” “I wish I can believe that. He looks like he wants to eat me.” “Cash doesn’t want to eat you. If he did, you would already be dead. He’s just being a jerk right now, but I think once he gets to know you, he’ll change his mind about you. I think once you get to know him, you might see him differently.” His voice holds a conviction that I don’t feel. “Maybe.” I’m not convinced at all. A commotion in the background has his attention off of our conversation. “Rya, I have to go. Call me tomorrow, okay?” I hear a hard groan of pain in the background from a female. It sounds like Kimberly’s voice; I can hear a male’s voice, asking for help. It’s Clayton’s voice, sounding panicked. “Is that Kimberly’s voice?” “Yes, I have to go.” He hangs the phone up, leaving me with a feeling of dread. The water’s becoming lukewarm as I play the sounds of her groan over and over in my mind while looking at my phone. I have a full mailbox of voice messages. Putting the phone up to my ear, I hear Dallas on the other line. “First day away, I can only imagine what you’re thinking. I can tell you what I’m thinking about. It’s you.” The message finishes. The next one is him saying, “It’s the second day away and they tell me you made it the night without having to be dragged back to the pack. Good job. The first night with the wolves is the hardest.” “Third day away, Rya, heard you caught your first mouse by yourself. That’s my female. Hard work, isn’t it?” I laugh at how proud he is of me. How does he know all this? I keep listening to his messages, day five going into twelve, turning into day twenty-five, to day forty-two. He’s been leaving me messages every single day. I’m lying in my bed now with the covers to my chin, ready to fall asleep. He knows everything that I have been going through, all the little accomplishments and setbacks that I am having out there. He told me in one of his messages that his father or mother is keeping him updated. They have spotters out there just in case I ran into trouble. I never saw anyone else out there, just the wolves. He said that there is a failsafe that if it looked like I really couldn’t cut it, they would have rescued me before death took me. I feel kind of happy knowing at least I wouldn’t have died out there. The next message has me dropping the phone. “Rya,” It’s one word that has my whole body responding to the tenor of it, my body’s traitorous response to my mate. “Don’t delete this, but I understand if you do. I’d delete myself too, if I could.” I can hear the way his lungs fill with air and the way he exhales it out. “I had this whole speech written out.” He takes a long sigh before I hear crumpling paper. I think he must have tossed it because I hear it hitting something, maybe the wall? “Sorry—is that what you want to hear? It’s not good enough. I can say sorry a thousand times and it’s just not good enough for what I have done to you.” His voice makes me cringe slightly; it’s clenching my jaw, curling my shoulders in. “I think I should start at the beginning when I figured out you were my mate, tell you my story. It’s not going to be a good story, Rya. It’s not going to be one of those fairy tales that you females like to read about. I’ve had a lot of time to think about things, to think how I should have done things differently.” Sitting up in bed, my hands are shaking, I’m shaking. I think I should delete his messages. I can’t stand to hear his voice because it does things to me. Makes me long for him at the same time it makes me want to end him. The message ends; his time’s up. I click to the next message. “Rya, heard you caught your first winter rabbit—who’s the beast? You’re the beast of the woods.” Dallas is laughing in joy for me. I click to the next message. “Where was I, Rya? Oh yeah…how I found out you were my mate.” Clayton’s voice holds no tone. It’s just him telling a story to someone who shouldn’t be listening. “Kennedy had a soccer game. She was a few years older than you. I was going to watch her play. While I was sitting there, your team was just finishing up. You scored the final goal, winning by one. This smile was on your face when you were celebrating with all your friends, jumping up and down, and our eyes connected for just a split second and I knew. It took my breath away. I couldn’t stop watching you. Your parents were there, I think your sisters. You were really good for a pre-juvenile.” I can tell he’s smiling slightly with the way his voice now sounds happy with a memory. “I watched as you ran to your parents, giving you hugs. I thought what a nice family you must have. I just sat there trying to breathe. Then Kennedy walked up to me with her beautiful smile, kissing me on the lips, asking what the matter was, and I told her nothing. I turned around and walked away from you and your celebration, knowing who you were to me. Thinking back on that scene, what sticks out in my mind is that your smile was even more beautiful than hers if only I would have looked closer at you.” The message ends again; his time’s up. Clicking again on the next message, Dallas is excited about me learning to play fight, not sleeping at the edge of the pack anymore. Making friends on my own and them liking me. I can hear the slight emotion for a fraction of a second in his voice before he gives a little cough, saying how proud he is of me. A few more messages from Dallas before Clayton’s voice has my heart squeezing tight. “I kept seeing you everywhere, Rya. You and your friends hanging out here and there. I had this fascination with looking at you, but you were this little thing with no hips, no chest, you weren’t developed at all. You were a little pup, and I couldn’t have thoughts about you like that. It just wasn’t right. So I watched you. You started high school the next year; I knew you were getting close to shifting by the way your hips started to become rounder, the way you needed to start wearing a bra. I noticed every change in your body. I noticed the way you were growing into your face. I noticed how you were really good at all the sports you played, how you had many friends, how when you came into the room, you shined with confidence. You always walked with your shoulders straight and head up. That type of confidence you just have in you, it’s not learned. Always a smile on your face. I noticed all the hair styles you went through. Do you know that I can’t remember any of Kennedy’s hairstyles, not one? I’m sure she had many, but thinking back, all I can remember is your style.” He sounds sad about this. More messages from Dallas, with such pride in his voice. Everything I’m going through documented in his messages to me. “Rya, you’re probably wondering how I got your number. Well, I stole it off my mother’s desk a few years back. I never called you, but for some reason, I wanted your number.” He hangs up this time, not allowing the time to run out. Dallas’s voice comes over the phone. “I delivered a male today, mom and pup doing good. I don’t think I can do that again.” His voice sounds slightly slurred as if he’s been drinking. Clayton’s voice is in the next message. “Rya, where was I? Oh yes. I had to sit through assemblies at school and watch you up on stage because you’re part of this play or doing something with the student council. Thinking back all this time, Kennedy never participated in anything like that, she never led, but you did. You organized, got involved. You were a naturally good leader, perfect Luna material.” His voice sounds melancholy before he ends the call. It’s getting late, I should put the phone down and go to sleep, but I just can’t. I tell myself just one more message and I’m going to go to bed. “Clayton is up and walking around now, Rya. I thought you should know. I don’t want to keep anything from you. Kimberly’s pregnancy is going all right. She is still very low in her measurement, and her weight really isn’t improving. I’m having Aurora talk with her. Maybe that’s what she needs.” Dallas sounds lost slightly on how to handle the pregnant female. Another message has Clayton’s deep voice coming over the speaker. “When I told Kennedy about you, she was mad at the fact that I kept a secret from her for so long, then that I found my mate. I don’t think she thought you were a real threat to us. You seemed weaker than her.” His words are like acid that eats away at my skin as my heart tightens. Not a threat, I kicked her ass that day; if Clayton wasn’t there, I would have ended her. I know it, deep down. I would have taken a life. “I couldn’t stop watching you, but I never did anything about it. I let you live your life and I lived mine. Until that day when you came up to me, with this face that had so much hope in it. I remember what you were wearing, jean shorts, a red tank top, flip-flops, your hair down. You must have just gotten it cut because it was just past your shoulders. I like it long on you. Looking back on that day, I can’t remember what Kennedy was wearing. You wanted to talk with me alone. I think you really expected me to do that. I didn’t.” I’m crying now, big fat tears as my breath burns the back of my throat. “It was hard for me to watch you beg like that, plead with me, grab onto my legs just asking for a chance. Your juvenile voice crying out in pain, my wolf was going nuts inside me. But I didn’t give you that chance, did I? I didn’t give you the only thing you have ever asked of me, just a chance. You never asked me to love you; all you asked for was a small chance. I didn’t give you that!” His voice cracks and breaks along with mine. The next message is Dallas and Caleb yelling into it with excitement…both happy males at the fact I actually ate with the pack, took my share of the moose. “Meat eater,” they are screaming; I think they are slightly drunk in celebration. The next one is Clayton’s voice I hear. “I watched your face when you were getting whipped. Your eyes never left mine until the pain became unbearable. I think we both looked away at the same time. I remember you put up a brave fight. You really tried not to cry out, but that whip makes even the biggest males cry like little pups. This will hurt, but I think you should know this. I screwed Kennedy that night just to prove that what we were doing was the right thing, that we loved each other. We did love each other, Rya, and to a certain extent we always will love each other.” His time has run out again. While I was lying in my bed, unable to move, he was inside her taking pleasure in my pain. The next message is Dallas saying it won’t be long for me to come back, maybe another month, and that he can’t wait to talk to me. Clayton’s on the next message. “The hardest part for me was when you came back. I was there in the cafeteria when you approached your friends with your food in your hands. I heard every word that they spoke to you. I watched as you walked away from them, a little curl to your shoulder that you never had before. I could tell you were still in pain with the grimace your face made with every step, yet you still came to school. I remember that you sat underneath that big tree eating by yourself, while I walked by you, hand in hand with Kennedy. I just left you there by yourself. I noticed that you stopped playing sports, were no longer on student council. You stopped trying different hairstyles. In fact, you just braided it, not cutting it, letting it grow long as if you stopped caring. I saw this juvenile female go from being so full of life to not wanting to be alive…still I did nothing to help you. I continued on with my life while I watched yours slowly erode away. I couldn’t wait to get out of high school so I didn’t have to look at you anymore and what I did to a soul. I’m supposed to be this leader, and I have destroyed something beautiful without a care in the world. I don’t deserve to lead. I would go to the library sometimes at lunch in the winter time. I knew you were in the back corner in the cubicle pretending to study. I could hear your soft cries, and I did nothing to help you.” His voice is so heavy with emotion he’s having a hard time talking before he ends the call. I can’t continue anymore, so I put the phone down. It’s just too hard on my soul. Maybe it was two in the morning before I cried myself to sleep only to have Cash wake me up with a “get up” grunt. I change into some workout clothes and running shoes. I really have no idea what to expect from him. Meeting him at the breakfast table, it’s just us up in the early morning dawn. Both our eyes seem puffy and red. I wonder if we have been crying over the same wolves? “We’re going to run to the training facility.” That’s all he says as I follow him outside. The high pines shiver in the freezing wind, and the world seems still asleep as I try to keep his pace. The sky blushes in the softest of pinks and blues as the sun cracks through the night. The moon slowly fades away. The air outside seems virgin young, pure and clean. The briskness pushes itself inside my nose, stinging with its burning cold. The skin side is not used to running this fast for this long and is slowly lagging behind Cash. I think he slows his pace slightly until I catch up with him. He doesn’t say anything; we just run silently together, each in our own world of thought. A chipmunk scuttles around the base of a tree. If I were in Wild form, I could have had it between my jaws already. Soon I think Mother Nature’s winter cloak will be thrown away for spring’s green dress. The crunching sound of each step we take echoes in this soundless morning, even the wind seems to have a certain quietness about it. My thighs are burning by the time we enter this grey-sided building, nothing fancy to it. Four walls and a high-pitched tin roof. A group of very young juveniles are already inside waiting, milling about, talking amongst themselves. “Hi, Cash.” All the juveniles are smiling up at him, revealing how much they like this male wolf. He smiles back at them, the only smile I have ever seen on his face since meeting him. It makes him look beautiful for a minute until I remember how ugly he can be. Their curious eyes fall on me. I don’t hide behind Cash; I stand tall, meeting everyone head on and looking them in the eyes. These are baby wolves who don’t pose any threat to me. “Everyone, this is Rya. She’s going to be training with you all for a while until she learns the basics.” They have open mouths in shock. “Is she her?” a male juvenile asks Cash. “Yes, that’s her.” Now all eyes are on me, rolling over my body, assessing everything. The males, all with their shaved heads, regard me, smelling deeply. They can’t seem to stop staring as the females do the same. Lifting their noses high up, not being discreet. Taking my scent in and breathing it out. A low murmur of excitement is rippling through this crowd. “That’s her…look at her eyes, they freak me out…she’s really pretty…why is she training with us?” “All right, everyone, let’s begin.” Cash takes a step in the front, and everyone follows his instructions. I stand at the back watching everyone on what to do. He leads them in their morning stretch, getting their muscles ready. Cash goes through the motions, guiding these young ones in routine after routine, sparring with them gently. His sinewy V-shaped body moves in fluid grace; he’s sure-footed with every move he demonstrates. I think he likes it. He has a lot of patience while working with these novice learners, giving them high fives when they do good, a gotta try harder next time if someone taps out. The sparring is rough and raw. No one holds anything back. It’s my turn to go against the youngest shifted juvenile here. He’s skinny, without the fullness another few years will bring to his body. His voice even cracks as he says hello to me. “What’s the rules everyone?” Cash’s voice booms over the noise. “You either tap out or you get knocked out?” All the males and females chant as one voice. Cash smiles at this, pleased with the response of his minions. “Rya, are you ready?” I’m not sure; I have never had a lesson in fighting before. I don’t give him an answer, and he doesn’t wait for one as he blows a whistle very lightly so it doesn’t hurt our ears. This male is on me before I have time to blink. He’s got me one way, then the other, as he’s trying to pin me against the mat in some kind of ninja move. I wiggle out of his hold only because I’m stronger, but he manages to catch me with an elbow to the lower jaw near my ear that makes me see stars. He’s quick as he assaults every inch of my body. “Do you want to quit? All you need to do is tap out.” Cash has his eyes on me, looking, waiting for an answer. “No.” I face this little wolverine head on. He pounds on my body again and again. The Nature of my Wild is not happy about this little male hurting the skin side. She slowly starts to make an appearance. A growl rumbles out with our displeasure. “Rya, no wolves here. Put her away.” Cash takes a step toward me, and I try to rein her in, shaking with the effort. This male seizes his opportunity and lays me out hard, falling to the ground. He’s on me in an instant, no mercy. He has my arm, angling it up in such a way that if he continues, it’s going to break. The pain is too much, and my hand goes to tap out. Before I do, I notice the way Cash is looking at me, as if he knew I would just tap out. Like he is expecting this. So I grit my teeth in my jaw and take this pain; I take it because I can. It’s actually not as bad as the whip against my back. “Tap out.” The little male’s voice is in my ear as more pressure is exerted on my arm. A groan tumbles out, and he pleads with me. I don’t think that this male wants to do what he’s been trained to do. I try to break the hold, I try to get out, to fight against this hold, but I don’t know how. At least I am trying. “Please tap out.” There’s a desperation in his voice now. I think only I can hear it, he’s whispering to me so quietly. His face is red in concentration, and I’m red with the effort I’m putting up. I’m trying with all I have to break his hold, but I just can’t, and the snap echoes inside the building as all eyes are on the fight, everyone cringing with the sound. Cash is instantly on me. “Why didn’t you tap out?” He’s shocked. “I’m not a quitter.” My voice travels between the spaces in my clenched teeth. The small juvenile wolf rocks back and forth in dread. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” He looks like he’s going to get sick. A trickling of older wolves starts to circle around us as they hear about what just happened, how I wouldn’t submit, that I just kept on fighting until I couldn’t anymore. Hushed whispers: Is that her? What did she do? She never gave up? Their voices circle around me. The pain starts to set in, and I feel slightly nauseated with it. “Can you get up?” I shake my head no. I can’t move as I lay there holding my arm. I can feel the blood soaking into my shirt, onto the mat. I can’t look; I know the bone is out of my skin. Closing my eyes, I try to breathe through the pain the same way I tell my laboring females to do. It’s a concentration of wills, my will against the pain’s will. I don’t make a sound, just bear it. “Rya, can you open your eyes for me?” I do, and it’s a nice older wolf with silver hair. He’s got kind, caring eyes. “I need to take your shirt off and look at your arm. Is that okay with you?” “Yes,” I hiss out. “Cash, come help me sit her up.” It takes two of them, as I am stiff and just need to breathe. He opens his black bag, and a needle plunges into my good arm. It stings slightly with the medication he’s using. Next, he brings out scissors, cutting my shirt off from the back and down the side of my arms, so it easily peels off my head. “What happened to you?” the kind doctor asks as my back is exposed for everyone’s eyes. This is the first time more than a handful of wolves have seen my back. Voices grow stronger, disbelief of what they are seeing on a female’s back. Cash looks toward my back, eyes dilating slightly. I’m not sure what’s worse in his mind: my arm bone sticking out of my flesh or the lasting kiss the whip’s mark left on my pristine flesh. “What happened?” Cash’s voice sounds far away, the medication taking its hold on my system. It’s making my vision fuzzy, my tongue thick; all the moisture has left my mouth. “It was from the effort I put into my fight for what I thought was mine.” The words come out thick, slightly slurred. The effects of the medication raging in my system. He can’t look in my eyes and I can’t hold his as the pain medication takes its hold on me. “Cash.” That Silverback male’s voice tone is harsh. It’s the first time I have heard sound waves make the wolves freeze. Cash squares up his shoulders to his father, like a male ready to receive his punishment. “Father.” “You call him, tell him you allowed his female to fight before she was ready, and she got hurt on your watch.” Cash nods his head to his father in agreement.
Chapter 3
Chapter 3 We Get What We Deserve Guilt pours off of him as if it were sweat. “I did it on purpose. I thought you would just give up. I was wrong.” It’s just Cash and me in the clinic room. He asked if he could speak to me alone. His parents walked out, not very pleased with their third born. He’s sitting there in the orange plastic chair with his elbows on his thighs, hands gripped together, looking down at the floor. “I’m sorry, Rya.” His eyes lock with mine, no more menace left in them. “It was easier to blame you than her. I just couldn’t believe—” Unclasping his hands, he presses the palms into his eyes, as if trying to stop the tap that wants to open up. “Everything she’s said about me has come true. I’m a weak wolf. I knew exactly what I was doing. I let my family down, you down, and myself down. I acted without honor.” This savagely beautiful wolf is giving me a hard look at how horrible he feels in every way. Love twists your soul, spiraling you into something different, something you thought you would never become. “How old were you when you found out he was your mate?” “I was sixteen.” “How long was it after you shifted?” “I shifted that day, early in the morning. It was awful, but my family was there to support me.” “What happened to you?” “I saw him. He was with her. It’s as if they expected this. They stood shoulder to shoulder as I approached, and honestly, I thought I had a chance. The thing is my chance was gone before it ever began. I know that now. I wish I would have known this at the time. I think I would have done things differently. I would have been prepared, but I never was prepared to handle the rejection. I was on the A side of life back then, before him, before them. I was happy, and I think more than anything, looking back right now in this moment I did give up. I gave up on me. Not him, I just rolled over and gave up on me. I’m my biggest supporter, and I failed myself.” It’s as if a light bulb just turned on in my mind. It’s funny how if you talk about certain traumas in your life enough, it somehow gets just a little easier to come to grips with what was done. It’s hard, but it’s part of my history, like my own personal cookbook that makes me who I am. My past recipes, some good, some sour, some terrible, some burned and charred. My future recipes are still being written on the blank white pages; hopefully, they will be robust and full of a life I think I deserve. “I didn’t get that chance, so I turned on Kennedy. She was my easiest target, just like I am to you. I kicked her ass that day. Don’t let anyone tell you differently, regardless of my fighting skills. I was the stronger wolf back then.” It’s true back then I was stronger than her. “I was punished for going after her, then I became a ghost. I was really never there anymore. I checked out. No one cared, and I hate to say this, but neither did I. I stopped believing in myself. When I came back to the pack after my training, it was your brother that helped me. He saw something in me that I still don’t see in myself. He saw a life that just needed a chance to breathe again.” Cash’s emotions are twisting and knotting around inside him. He nods his head, as if he understands what I am telling him. “I was the one who found Dallas. He was almost dead. He could hardly even speak anymore. He couldn’t move. I made a tourniquet for his arm, screaming the whole time for help, but we were all alone in that house we built for them and their future. Do you know what that did to me, seeing him like that? I have nightmares still to this day. I called my father. I had to wait for help. He looked into my eyes, told me he loved me, asked me if I loved him.” Cash’s voice breaks with hard emotions that he’s trying to stop from seeping out. “Of course I said yes. I was holding his head in my lap. He just looked at me, and with his soul, he asked me to untie his arm. He begged me and begged me until he passed out.” Now I can’t stop the tears from coming down, that burn coming up from the pit of my stomach to rest corrosively at the back of my throat. “When he healed, he never came back the same. We referred to him as the ghost because he was around but not really there. So when you said you felt that way, I saw him be that way.” I nod my head in agreement. I understand the feeling very well. “He went away soon after. My parents pulled some strings, got him into a good university as soon as he told them what he wanted to do. After he left, he has only been home twice. We always went to him. It was just better that way. No pressure on him, no expectations put on his shoulders. He always promised he would come back. He just couldn’t say when.” Cash has a faraway look in eyes that can’t keep the tears away. “I was there when he called my dad saying he met someone, that he was thinking of letting his hair grow out again. There are only two times that my father has actually cried in front of us, and that was one of them.” His truths are tumbling out his mouth as I feel slightly nauseated with all these feelings that are being caught and swallowed down my throat. “My biggest fear is that you reject him and he does what he tried to do but succeeds. I just don’t want him to get hurt because, in the end, you have a mate. I know what they say about you being moon blessed, but what happens if you chose him over my brother? What happens to my brother?” Those last words hang between us while Cash wipes away his own tears. “Rya, Cash, time to go.” The Silverback male looks at the both of us with our red puffy eyes, and something filters across his face, a slight smile. “Your brothers should be arriving within minutes. Are you ready?” Cash stands up, back straight. He looks on with grim determination, as if he’s going to take bitter medicine and swallow it down. “Is someone with Kennedy?” His first concern is her, and I eye him suspiciously. A contradiction in how he’s behaving, he acts as if he doesn’t care, but deep down he does. “Your mother has her.” Alpha Clinton stares down this male who can’t look his father in the eye. “Can you walk, or do you need to be carried?” He’s ready to scoop me up in those solid arms of his. “I can walk.” A chaos of fluttering butterfly wings tickles the inside of my stomach at seeing Dallas again. I actually give a little giggle of giddiness that has both males looking at me oddly. “Sorry.” I try to calm my face, but I can’t. My smile is beyond control, beyond hiding. It’s out there for everyone to see. I try to hide it behind my hand, but the Silverback pulls my fingers away. “You have nothing to apologize for. Don’t hide that; it’s beautiful. I think this is the first time I have seen you smile. No shame in smiling. Come, let’s greet your male.” My heart is fluttering inside my chest, a slight shakiness in my gait. His big hand goes to my arm to steady me before he moves it quickly away. “Rya, are you sure you can walk?’ “Yes, Alpha Clinton.” He gives me a look, not believing a word I say, but he allows me to try and walk on my own. “Little Moon, I want you to know that a lot of the pack is waiting for you outside. They couldn’t stay away. They are very curious about you. Don’t feel intimidated…shoulders back, hold your head high. Nothing can touch you with me beside you. Show them the female who ate with the wild wolves in winter, show them the female who didn’t quit, fought to the very end, even though you had no hope of winning.” Pride is now in his voice, the same pride that Dallas has in his. A blanket is over my shoulders, arm in a blue sling with two pins sticking out of my skin holding the bone in place. I feel no pain because of the nerve block I was given. The doctor said it would last at least eighteen hours. Then the pain would start to come back with a punch; at least he told me what to expect, so I wouldn’t be so shocked when the pain comes barreling in. Walking out the door, instead of the faint blues and pinks of sunrise, the deep reds and purples meet me with sunset. Lots of wolves are milling about in the parking lot. Snowflake after snowflake drifts effortlessly down from the heavens, dusting the heads and shoulders of these people who came to see me, combatting the cold for just a glimpse. Wolves begin to hush. Those juveniles who were there are in a small cluster together, huddled in their own little side pack. That wolverine in the middle of them as if they are protecting the weakest from something. Taking the steps one at a time, a single clap rings out from the crowd, followed by another clap, then another until everyone is cheering for me. I stand a little straighter. A good job thrown out of male voices, good effort, repeated throughout the females. The Silverback Alpha never leaves my side until I see his oldest. Standing there watching me, clapping his hands with the rest of the pack. Arctic sea meets glacier blue as the crowd shifts away. All I hear is the blood rushing in my ears, swooshing with the beat of my heart. He doesn’t take his eyes off mine, a little scruff on the side. I can’t wait to feel that against my skin. I love the way his dark jeans are hanging so delicately off his hips; the stretch of his soft grey sweater across his chest has me wanting to inch it up to expose his muscled torso, run my fingers over his v-shaped lower abdomen. With each step he brings himself closer to me, I can’t help the tremors that are taking over. My eyes are for only him. My attention is captivated by him. The single foot that separated our bodies is gone as soon as his arm wraps around my waist, pulling me up and into him. His scent seeps from underneath his skin. Did someone just pluck a guitar string? Because I am vibrating, humming, as his nose goes to the base of my neck, inhaling deeply. Teeth, I feel them at the base of my neck. I still, and so does he. He doesn’t puncture skin, but he could easily. He places a soft kiss instead, another kiss on my jawline until his mouth finds mine. He kisses me, long and slow. He is in no hurry to let me go; he doesn’t care who is watching, who is present. He’s making this moment the last chapter in those fairy tale books that I have always wanted but never had. This is a special, one of a kind moment. Pulling away, he sets me carefully on the ground. “Why are you here?” I whisper, looking at him. “You’re my female. I needed to come. I wanted to see you, make sure you’re all right.” His words are soaking into every crack of my skin, and my happiness is shining out for everyone to see. Very carefully he brings me into his chest, hugging me close, making sure not to touch my bad arm. “I missed you.” His voice tickles my ear, yet it shivers my skin. The effect he has on me has grown, become more powerful. Potent. Aching for another taste of his warm lips, I focus on them. Bending his head down, he gives me that compelling taste; his eyes are laced with his own obvious desire. “If you weren’t hurt, I would show you how much I’ve missed you.” He nips my ear, whispering his words for only me to hear. “Are you in any pain?” “No, I can’t feel anything.” “Good.” Another inhaled breath on my skin. He pulls the blanket tighter over my upper body as the ends slowly flutter open in the light wind. Stepping away, he takes a stance as a predator eyeing something that he is intent to have. “Cassius.” Turning my body, I face Cash. He’s standing there, holding himself in position. The crowd that was slightly pressing in is now taking steps back, giving space to full-grown males that are about to use fists of war instead of teeth of death. Cash keeps his body straight, taking a deep breath in. “I knew what I was doing.” A twitch in his jaw, a brace in his stance. “Then I’m going to give you the same chance you gave her. I expect a perfect effort from you, Cassius.” He doesn’t wait for an answer, attacking Cash with savage brutality. Cash might have grace and edge on everyone here, but against his brother, he looks like he is no more than a juvenile fighting a fully trained fighter. The Silverback male’s eyes do not leave the fight; it’s as if he’s taking some kind of notes. Eyes observing this, not as a spectator, more like an assessor of skill. A scout looking at a potential prospect for the team. Once Dallas has Cash, he holds him pinned to the ground. Face pressed into the light layer of snow that has accumulated, both males breathing heavily. Cash is fighting to get him off him, red face straining with the effort. Cash does not give up as Dallas takes his arm in the same lock that small juvenile had mine in. Dallas is merciless with his grip. “Tap out,” he spits at his brother, but Cash continues on, trying with all he has to break the hold. Dallas continues bruising flesh and breaking bone. The snap is heard, the reaction the same, a sickening gasp in the crowd of watchers. The juveniles stand open mouthed while Cash still continues to try and fight. The bone does not break through flesh like mine did. He catches Dallas with an elbow to the jaw. He has a merciless sneer, and I watch as his fist comes down as if it’s going to drive through Cash’s face. He is knocked out completely, body limp on the ground. He gets off his brother, and his once-clean clothes are stained with dirt. Now Dallas squares up to his father, who angles his head in interest. Dallas is on the balls of his feet, as if contemplating on springing. “I blame you too.” He points a finger at his father. “If you come at me, I expect a perfect effort, son. Do you understand what you will be doing?” Dallas hesitates for a moment, trying to rein himself in. As if talking himself down from his own personal ledge, he realizes if he takes that step off, there is no leaping back up. Turning slowly around, he faces the entire crowd. “Who was the juvenile that broke her arm?” He looks toward that male, who’s small compared to Dallas. He takes his step forward, meeting his fate, like a warrior. “It was you who did that to my female?” He sounds surprised. The male squares his shoulders, on shaking legs. His whole body is betraying him at this moment. He wants to seem tough, but he’s completely scared out of his mind. Just watching his teacher get his ass handed to him, he’s now having to face the same beast. Dallas bends down to his level, except he purposely makes himself just a touch bigger than this small one. “You did what you were trained to do. Good job. I know that it was hard for you, that you didn’t want to do it; you made a hard choice. I expect good things from you.” He grips this male by the back of his shaved head, pressing his cheek against his. Whispered words that make this male peacock out, his whole body puffed up, a proud smile on his face. Dallas releases him with a good job pat on his behind. Cash is already being moved very carefully back inside the clinic. Dallas comes back to me, a gentleness replacing the savageness as he cradles me into his body. “I’m taking you back to the house.” No other words, no saying hello to wolves he hasn’t seen in years, all his focus is on me. I bask in the attention. Caleb gets into the front seat while Dallas takes the back with me on his lap the entire drive back. His father is in the passenger seat. Cash has been left at the clinic so he can get fixed up. Dallas insists on carrying me inside. It feels good to have someone who cares if I’m hurt, someone willing to ease my pain. “Who’s watching over the pack if you males are here?” “Clayton is. He’s much better. He’s almost able to beat Caleb now. So we took a chance on him and left him in charge. I’ll explain everything. I wanted to last night, but Kimberly came and I had to deliver another pup.” A look of pure loathing crosses his face. “It took all night. She didn’t progress well. It was difficult for everyone. They’re fine, mother and pup doing well. I was falling asleep when Cash called me, telling me what he did to you.” Violent vibrations from his chest tumble out as he tells me the end of that sentence. “He was supposed to train you the right way. I didn’t expect this from him. He’s changed for the worse since he met her.” He looks saddened by this revelation. I walk into the living room. Kennedy has her head on a pillow, body curled into a ball on the couch. She looks as if she physically hurts. A blanket covers her body. Her eyes go wide looking at Dallas, and I think I hear a whimper come out of her mouth. “Mother, did you not give her what I told you?” Luna Grace comes out of the kitchen with a cup of tea. “She wouldn’t drink it, says that she deserves to feel everything he does.” It’s in this minute that I smell it, the mingling scents inside her. The way the female and male smells coil around each other. Wolves will think she is having a female, but I know that scent. It’s the smell of twins, one of each. Very rare to have twins, very difficult on the mother to host two lives that are sucking away at all her resources so she can carry them to term. She will need to start to eat more soon because already she looks skinnier than when I went away. I contemplate telling her, but I don’t. “If that’s what she wants, so be it.” Dallas is acting like the Alpha of this house as the king slowly lumbers in and takes a seat, sinking into the cushion, regarding his son. “I think that it’s time I train you, my first born.” The Alpha looks on at a son who is coming into what his nature has always demanded of him. Alpha. Dallas gingerly places me on his lap, holding me close to his body. I melt into him. His heat feels good against my skin. I place my lips against his neck, a soft kiss that makes his body quiver. I can feel how I affect other parts of him as I’m adjusted slightly on his lap. “I’m not sure yet.” Dallas’s voice feels far away as I close my eyes, the day’s events and not getting to bed until late last night from listening to all those messages taking their toll on me. I feel secure with Dallas holding me. I like this feeling. “Wake up. Time to eat.” Dallas shifts me on his lap, still no pain from my arm. It’s as if it’s numb, without feelings. Kennedy is already seated at the table; she is down in the middle. Dallas takes his father’s left, while I sit beside him. He starts asking what I want before he fills his own plate. I don’t feel like eating, just drinking some water, but I do eye Kennedy’s fruit bowl that would be good to eat at this moment. It’s filled with yellow fleshy mangoes, halved green and red grapes, and pitted black cherries, and shaved almonds are on top of the medley along with a dash of sugar. Kennedy saw me eyeing what she has. Very subtly she pushes her bowl toward me, sharing what she has. I don’t take it. Instead, I look away. I don’t need what she has; I can do without. Cash comes into the dining room, looking rough. Looking at Kennedy, he takes in her appearance with a hint of relief before sitting down beside her. He takes a drink from the bottle of water he’s holding in his good hand. He’s sporting the same blue sling I am. It’s like we’re twinning. Kennedy goes to put her hand on his shoulder. He just angles himself away from her. That hand drops to her side. Caleb’s last to take his seat at the table, clothes looking wrinkled, as if he just put on something he was wearing from last night. He smells of many different females, his gluttony unmistakable. “Next time you come to the table, wash yourself!” His mother is not pleased having to sit next to a son who smells of last night’s pleasures. He gives a dirty smirk, winking at me. “Next time I will.” He gives his mother a smile that probably works on all the pretty females, but not on her. She just huffs to herself. “Carson, Crane, I’m having a small party tonight. You’re welcome to join me in the basement.” Both males look on with wicked, naughty eyes. “Cash, how’s the arm?” Caleb says between bites of food. He’s instigating him for a response. “Caleb,” Dallas warns out. “Just a joke.” He puts his hands up in surrender. “Kennedy.” Her head picks up, as if she’s not used to being talked to. “You’re having a female. Congrats.” He raises his glass to her in a mock cheer. “You’re having twins.” My words hang in the air as a smile makes its way along her always curved down lips. Could this be her first smile I’m witnessing since being in this pack? She glows with the news, her hands going over that small, round bulge. She looks beautiful when she shows her heart smile. She turns toward Cash, her eyes sparkling with the news. She looks at him as if she’s expecting something from him. Instead, he keeps his face impassive, no emotion betrayed by his lips that are straight lined. Eyes that don’t sparkle back at hers. I watch as that beautiful smile fades on her lips, as her shoulders tuck in, as her head bends forward and her hair falls to the side of her face, shielding her from everyone’s stare. I can see her tears dripping down one by one, landing on her thighs, soaking spots like random rain drops on the ground. I can see her hands going underneath her thighs. For a moment, I see nails that are bitten down so badly they look like they bleed from being mauled constantly. Her shoulders shake as she quietly tries to cry without sound. Getting up slowly, I watch her not make eye contact with anyone. Instead she whispers, “Thank you for dinner.” Her words come out painfully to Luna Grace before she turns around and walks very slowly toward the stairs to her sanctuary. “I’m going to the basement.” Cash pushes his chair away, getting up without finishing his food. Is his stomach as upset as hers? Usually, when mates get the news they are expecting twins, it’s a celebration, such a rare blessing they have been given by the moon herself. I watch as Cash heads to a door that I can only imagine leads to the basement. We all finish our meal in silence until a chime of the doorbell rings. Caleb gets up with liquid grace, voices of females and males getting louder, all carrying bags of drinks, all waving their hellos before being ushered downstairs. Carson looks sheepishly shy as a female touches his shaved head on the way down, letting her fingers linger across his temples, down his jawline before pulling away. He blushes and puts his hands in his pockets. Crane looks on as if he’s going to be helping himself to the dessert table. Luna Grace grabs Caleb by the jaw hard, bringing her son toward her face. “Behave, understand?” “Yes.” He gives her the answer she wants to hear. “Rya, Dallas, come down later on.” “I don’t think that Rya would want any part of your den of sin.” The way she says it sounds like she’s been putting up with it a long time. She’s not surprised with anything anymore that her males can do. I wonder how hard it is to raise five males. “Rya, let’s go upstairs.” Dallas rises, helping me up. Walking up the steps, I smell fresh paint coming from Kennedy’s room. Her door is open. I can’t help but pretend to use the bathroom to see inside her room. Coming out of the bathroom, I see her sitting cross-legged on the floor. Her canvas is the wall, painting a mural masterpiece. Meticulous in detail, a scene of pack wolves playing, lying around in the depths of the forest. I never knew she was an artist. It’s paralyzingly beautiful. “This is really good,” I say outside her door. She doesn’t turn around, only concentrating on every arch and sweep of her brush. It’s amazing that she can make this out of a blank slate. “When I was younger, I was accepted into the art program at the university. I never went. I should have.” That’s all she says to me, continuing on with her task. I walk into my room, and Dallas is there sitting on the bed, looking at the crumpled papers in his hands. A look of melancholy on his face, his smile not as bright, but he’s still smiling. “Let’s get you washed up first, then let me explain all this to you, all right?” He places the papers on the desk, and I wonder if this is the first time he hasn’t crumpled them back up into little balls. “I’m going to wash you, Rya. Is that okay?” He’s closed the bathroom door, water being turned on. I’m in front of the mirror, watching my reflection as a nail cuts easily through my sports bra. He takes it off of me. It lies ruined, on the floor. The next are my yoga pants and underwear. He crouches down so when he does pull the material down, his nose is placed perfectly between my legs. He is smelling me. Inhaling, he gives a little growl of pleasure. Standing behind me, I see him looking at me in the mirror, his eyes on every inch of me. He unzips, unbuttons his jeans. With just a slight pull, they fall to his feet. His sweater comes off next. Exposing those rounded shoulders, his bare chest pressed into my back. Skin on skin is the most intimate of touches. The bath is small, but he makes it work, positioning his body in such a way that I can lay between his legs. He removes my sling, putting it to the side, making sure the pins don’t get wet. “Dallas, can I ask you something?” He’s kissing the back of my neck, pulling the flesh into his mouth. “Ask me anything,” he says while sliding his tongue along my collarbone. “I want you to mark me.” As soon as my words are out of my mouth, my phone starts ringing until it goes to voice mail.
Chapter 4
Chapter 4 Revelations The stillness of silence greets me, deafening my ears. Both our heartbeats are dancing in our chests. His fingers start drawing small circles on my knuckles, a small kiss placed on my neck. I think he’s smiling into my skin. Lazily he grabs the washcloth, dipping it into the water, lathering it soapy wet, before washing the sweat and blood from my skin. “You want me to mark you, Rya?” I press my back against his chest more, and he gives a slight moan. I grab his hand, kissing his knuckles that taste slightly soapy. “I do.” Words are spoken in conviction, no hesitation of thought. “Then I will if that’s what you really want.” Gently he brings me even closer to him, the water threatening to slosh over the side of the porcelain rim. “I’m going to finish washing you up, then I’m going to fill you up with my scent.” Small vibrations from his chest ripple the water in the tub. He takes his time, making sure to clean every single inch of skin. When his hand goes between my legs, he presses his cheek against mine, chin resting on my shoulder. I can feel his eyes watching his own fingers dipping inside me, disappearing from view. I bite my lower lip, but that doesn’t stop the moan from echoing in the small room. He knows exactly where to touch, his fingers sliding effortlessly inside, only to pull out for the briefest of seconds, stimulating another part of me that has my back arching slightly. Gently he pulls me up more on his body so I’m just barely out of the water. My thighs rest on his thighs, his excitement rocking gently up and down between my parted folds, the engorged head hitting my most sensitive feminine part. A little sigh escapes out as his finger continues its circular motion with him very subtly rocking himself against me. My hips, anticipating his rhythm, move with him as if nature is guiding my movements. Murmuring softly into my ear, he watches what he’s doing to me, looking down between my legs. I can feel the heat from his stare. With my good hand, I grip him with his next upward thrust, a little hiss of pleasure from his lips that are kissing the base of my neck now, his eyes focused on how my hand is closed around him, watching himself be handled by me while his finger slips in teasingly slow. Probing. Rubbing. Exploring. A gasp, not a moan, comes out as he puts another one inside. It comes naturally to me to spread myself more for his exploration. My hand is still around his substantial male part, his hips rocking himself up and down just a fraction more, so the water starts to slip over the side of the tub. Bliss. Growing warmth spreads deep inside me until I become fevered with my own personal need. Lovers’ perfume mixes inside this steam-filled room. Both of us are breathing hard with flushed faces. Slow, his movements so controlled as he rubs his length on the outside of me. “I like this,” he says into my skin. He’s driving me insane with some basic need that has to be satisfied. I can feel that tightening in my lower stomach, just a few minutes more. He slows his pace, pulling his fingers out of me. “Don’t stop,” a moaned plea trembles out of my mouth. “I don’t plan to. I’m just moving us to the bed.” His words of promise quiver the inside of my thighs. Getting out before me, he takes a towel and dries himself off. He has no shame, letting me covet his male flesh. I can’t pull my eyes away from him. The way his muscles stretch and flex with movement has me licking my lips at this feast of flesh. “I’ll wash your hair tomorrow after the pins come out of your arm, all right?” He speaks to me as if I’m really paying attention to words. I can’t pull my eyes away from what’s standing at attention. He’s perfect. “Rya, you’re staring.” His teasing snaps my eyes to his face. “Sorry, I just—” I can actually feel my cheeks turning red. “Don’t be sorry. You can stare all you want. Do you need me to give you an anatomy lesson?” Walking toward me, he lifts me gently to a standing position. Taking another towel, he slowly dries me off. “I wouldn’t mind one.” I can’t believe I just said those words out loud. I don’t recognize my own husky voice. Looking down again, he’s primal delicious. He gives a slight growl of annoyance, eyes falling on my bad arm that I have cradled against my chest. “I need to be careful with you.” It’s a statement to me, but I think he’s reminding himself as well. He steps into my space, bending his head, and the curves of our lips fit together perfectly. He drags his teeth over my skin, starting with the length of my collarbone, toward my shoulder, giving gentle bites. The delicacy of his tongue dragging against flesh, into the hollow of my neck, stutters the breath in my lungs. Reaching down, he picks up my sling, positioning my arm properly inside it. The Velcro straps are secured at the back of my neck. Picking me up in his arms, he carries me to his bed. The way he’s so gentle and caring has my eyes almost water in happiness. “I don’t remember my bed being so small,” he says, a little shocked. His turn again to look at my raw flesh that’s exposed only for his eyes. Climbing on the bed, he crawls on top of me, on hands and knees. Again he looks at my arm, shaking his head to himself. “We can’t, Rya. You’re hurt.” He slides himself against my side so his thigh is draped over my thigh, hooking his heel into my calf. Fingers trace my ribs, tickle my belly, glide over the flesh of my hip. “I’m not that hurt.” Disappointment shows on my face. “Yes, you are. One shift the wrong way, your bone slides out of place. Trust me when I say this, I plan on shifting you all kinds of ways. Your body needs to fully heal before I put it through that.” His hands are roaming around my inner thigh. “I want to make this special for you, not just something that happens and it’s over with. You waited this long; I think it’s okay to wait until your body’s ready for it.” He pulls a loose throw blanket over the top of our legs, our upper bodies still exposed to air that has goosebumps on our skin, but it isn’t from the cold. “I’ve been doing some research on your eyes. There are a few consistent things that keep popping up. The first thing is, if I mark you, it will stay forever until death. Your bond with Clayton will fade, just like if he died. You will not feel that bond with him anymore. Clayton will always feel it, but not as strong; it’s more of a longing instead of an intense need, the moon’s justice. You have been wronged by many wolves, Rya, and the moon has seen this and blessed you with a choice of who you can have. If I mark you now, I’m going to send you into your heat. I don’t want your training to stop. I want you to learn how to fight so you aren’t afraid of any wolf or skin. You will have the skills to defend yourself against anything.” “I never had a heat, Dallas. I’m sterile.” I don’t look away as a flash of disbelief crosses his face. “No way, there is no way. You don’t smell moldy or sour. You smell as if you could get pregnant now. Everything seems ready for a pup. When I touch inside you, I can feel your body preparing for a future. You’re not sterile, Rya. In fact, I’ve been thinking that you are in a constant state of heat to a certain degree. It’s an anomaly, just like your eyes.” “Everyone says that they can smell it, but I’m not sure, Dallas. I’m too old. I should have had my first heat by now. I need you to be prepared if I can’t have a pup. Would you still want me?” “I would want you no matter what, no matter if you give me ten pups or none. I just want you, plain and simple.” Lips find mine again, showing me how much he wants me. The phone rings again, interrupting our make-out session. Reaching over, he picks it up, handing it to me. Looking into the screen, I stare up into his eyes, not wanting to answer it. “It’s Clayton. He’s been calling me, leaving messages.” Dallas’s lips form a straight line, showing his displeasure. The ringing stops. I can only assume he’s leaving another voice message. “How long has he been doing this?” He’s sitting up on the edge of the bed with his back facing me. “Last night I was listening to all your messages and I found several from him.” I don’t lie; I can’t have lies between us. “Do you want to talk to him?” His back muscles flex with the tension in his body. “I don’t, but part of me is interested in what he has to say. Trust me when I tell you this. It’s nothing nice. He has nothing nice to say to me.” Clayton has ruined this moment for me. “I can understand, and I think you should listen to what he has to say.” His shoulders seem as if they are suddenly burdened with a heavy load. “I can’t mark you unless you’re one hundred percent sure you don’t want him anymore. I would be able to feel your longing for him. I would be able to feel your life’s regret.” “He never gave me a chance. Why do you think that I should give him something that he never gave me?” I shout at him. “Because I’m falling in love with you, Rya. I want the best for you. If that means that you need to give him a chance, then so be it. I’m the wolf for you, but you’re the one who has to believe it.” His whole body is facing me now, sea ice blue staring back at my own eyes. “You can’t have the both of us. It doesn’t work that way. I need you to be honest with yourself about him. Even if it hurts me, he’s your true mate. I would never be with you if my mate were still alive. You would not be a thought in my head.” It hurts to hear those words. I know it’s not meant to be cruel; it’s to put things in perspective. He’s alive, breathing, and I’m in his place. “My wolf’s mark held. It never disappeared. I’m assuming if I marked you now, it would hold, but I can’t do it until I know you’re sure about me, about us.” His fingers trace my jawline before he kisses me softly. “I have Caleb training him. He’s getting stronger and stronger every day. He’s taking a lot of ass kicking, but I think soon he will beat Caleb. I want him to be the strongest wolf possible, so when I give him the pack, he can lead it the way it should be led. I’m training him on how to lead. He just needs some guidance. He’s a good wolf. I know what he did to you was wrong, but as a leader of the pack, he is good. I think he’s learned from everything that has happened in the months I’ve spent with him.” His hands grip onto the bed sheets, scrunching the material in his hands. “Why are you going to give him control of the pack you won?” I’m slightly confused why he would give up his Alpha position. “If you don’t choose me, then at least I know he will be everything he’s supposed to be. I would be able to sleep at night knowing that you are taken care of. That the pack’s strong. Also, I think it’s time for me to take over my pack. I can’t do both. I can’t lead two different packs so far apart. I’m preparing him for my departure. It’s the right thing to do, Rya. I always knew I’d come back here. I just didn’t know when or how. But you made it possible for me. You helped me to start to live a life I was always meant to live.” His throat is tight with his own feelings. “I don’t want to have to give you up, but I won’t stop you from going to him. I understand completely. It’s going to be hard for me, but I will be okay in the end. Trust me, I want you to choose me…not by default, not because you want to get back at him. I want you to choose me because you want me, love me. I can be everything you want, everything you need. I just want you to see this for yourself.” He’s holding me close to his body as if I might disappear from his grasp at any moment. “Let’s go downstairs for a while before I do something we might regret in this moment.” He gets up off the ground and goes to his bag, pulling clothes out, getting dressed. I watch him as he does the zipper up on his pants, then the button. He just throws on some random shirt that looks so good on him. Going through drawers, he finds panties, a bra. Smiling, he holds up the material to ask if these are okay. They are my best pairs. I don’t have many; I never had anyone to dress up for. He gently dresses me, putting on my socks, pants, and carefully my shirt, before fixing the sling again. “I’m going to take those pins out in the morning before I go.” My eyes snap up to him. “You’re leaving tomorrow?” “Yes, I have to. There are some more females that are due anytime, and I have to be there.” “I can understand, but I’m going to miss you.” I think I pout it out. Is this my first pouty lip? “Rya, have you noticed that there was an influx of females going into their heat after you arrived back into the pack?” “Yes, they were just starting to come in about two months after I arrived.” “Did that happen in the pack you were training at? Did more females go into heat when you were there?” So he’s caught on to what I have suspected. “Yes, as soon as my eyes started to change color, so did the females’ heat start to come more and more. Even the sterile females started to go into heat.” “I had a feeling that was the case. Another anomaly. I could see packs going to war over you.” He kisses the side of my face. “You look beautiful. Come, let’s meet some wolves that I haven’t seen in years.” When he opens the door to the basement, laughter, singing, and bottles clanging together meet my ears. He has hold of my hand, not letting it go. Is it for me, or is it for him? All the talking stops once we are in the open room. Several couches have wolves sitting comfortably on all the cushions with drinks in their hands. A pool table at the opposite end of the room has gathered bodies watching the action. A few wolves with guitars in hand are strumming tunes that other wolves are singing to. More wolves are huddled in private clusters talking and joking around. It all stops once we arrive. “Caleb, get Rya a water, and get me a beer.” The king of the party gets up with a grumble but does what he’s told. “Rya.” I think he must notice the way we are holding hands, because he twists the cap off before handing the cold drink to me, putting it in my hand that’s in the sling. “Brother.” He opens the beer for him as well, because he’s not letting my hand go. I watch as the two brothers raise their beers in a silent salute, clanging them together, before tipping them into their mouths with a quick chug. That’s when I notice all the smiles, everyone starting to stand and come to him. Not enough to get in his personal space, but enough to press in slightly. I can see Cash on a chair. His eyes already have that faded film look that alcohol brings. I wonder if he has his beer goggles on? Arms crossed over his chest with a beer dangling from his fingers, he takes another sip that I’m sure his body doesn’t need. Males start to come up to Dallas, each one giving him a quick hug, a pat or squeeze on the shoulder. He gives them back. “Welcome home. You’ve been missed. How are you?” All words that are spoken to him are answered back with a smile. I notice the way the females don’t come too close. Instead, they smile their happiness to him, but they don’t touch him at all, and he doesn’t touch them either. The party starts back up, music picking up in volume. A female demands to hear a certain song from the guitar players. A few males linger around Dallas, asking questions. He places a kiss against my shoulder at random times while speaking with the wolves. I notice the way Caleb is getting trash talked by a female with the deepest blue eyes I have ever seen. She has this swagger about her. They are playing pool against one another. She seems to be a foul-mouthed, whiskey-drinking, pool-shooting pro. She leans over her stick, ass up in the air, a little wiggle of her hips before she shoots her next shot. Crane is behind her staring, along with what I presume are some of his buddies. This female just has it, the whole package wrapped up in a tight red dress that shows her cleavage to anyone looking. I think she’s sexy, the way her hips sway from side to side when she walks. I have to practice that kind of walking. She’s working the pool table, but I can see her working the males up, especially Caleb, who’s giving her his filthy smile every time she meets his eyes. I like how they have their own private language between them, just with eyes and gestures. Looking over at me, she gives a red-lipped smile, without teeth. I notice the way all these females have something red on, painted nails, lips, shirt, maybe it’s a flash of red from the bra they have that’s peeking out slightly. The females love to touch these males’ shaved heads, and the males love the attention. I can tell Dallas is getting more comfortable with the wolves he hasn’t seen in years. The way he’s starting to laugh at the memories of his youth. They begin to tell tales of how he was, how they remember him being. A hellion, that’s what he was. He must have driven his mom to drink with what kind of stories they are telling. How he got dressed up in the summer time in a full ski outfit complete with goggles and snowboarded off the roof into the pool. He would have these huge outside parties in the woods, no adults allowed; he would go cliff diving in the summer time, ski diving, always looking to push the envelope, a risk taker. I can’t help but laugh so hard, tears are coming out of my eyes, and my stomach hurts from it. He’s looking at me while I’m laughing. I smile at him, and he smiles back. Another kiss to my neck before he tips back his beer, finishing it. I notice Carson sitting next to another male, thighs almost touching, just a very small space separating them. Very subtly, I notice the hand of the male touch his shaved head. My breath slightly catches as I see Carson look at him before standing up and going to the bathroom. The male sits there staring at the door, finishing his drink. He sets it down before getting up, looking around, seeing if anyone is watching. He opens the door, sliding inside. I look around the crowd to see if anyone is paying attention, and no one is. They are all lost in their own little conversations. I wonder if anyone knows his fondness for males? “Caleb, we leave early. Make sure you’re ready!” By now, that red wolf is on Caleb’s lap, whispering something that he must like because he’s nibbling on her neck. “I’ll be ready.” He holds his beer up to Dallas before drinking it down and ordering Crane to get him another. Before we leave, I watch as that male wolf exits the bathroom doing up his pants. He’s flushed slightly, eyes shining. Carson comes out, checking his pants, making sure they are done up. I watch him look around, seeing if eyes notice. His attention is on me; he knows I’ve seen. He stops mid-step before taking a big breath and turning away from my eyes. Cash is still sitting in the same spot looking more glazed. His drink of choice now is whiskey. He’s drinking it like it’s water. A female comes over, trying to touch his head. He angles away from her hand. She grabs him by the jaw, pulling his face to hers. “Grow your hair out then!” She spits out these words before pushing his face away from hers. Cash drops his head, shoulders slightly bent. Carson, by his side, helps him up to stand. A little stumble from Cash has him almost falling on his face, but his brother is there to catch him before he falls. He’s taken away, half dragged, half walked. His whiskey voice slurs all his hurt out. Dallas lets my hand go to take his brother in his arms. “It was nice to see everyone, but I think it’s time for bed.” He glances at Cash, who’s now barely standing on his own. All the wolves have a look of sadness by Cash’s behavior. On the way upstairs, Cash keeps muttering to himself about twins, about her. That’s what he calls Kennedy, her. I think that Kennedy is Cash’s beautiful poison. Dallas encourages Cash, “That’s right, lift your leg one more step and we’re almost there. One more step, pick up your leg, Cash.” He’s bombed. I have never seen another wolf so drunk before. This was my first basement party, and I liked it. Kennedy pulls her door open. Cash’s head is down on his chest. She comes to stand on the opposite side of Dallas, helping to bring Cash to his room. She’s taking some of the weight from Dallas. Their progress is easier with her help. Dallas puts him on his bed, then walks out. I watch as Kennedy starts to take his socks off quietly, unbuttoning his pants, rolling him this way and that so he’s in his boxers. She curls up against him, murmuring softly in his skin. He’s passed out, no hope of a memory of this. I close the door as soon as Dallas walks out, not wanting to meet her eyes. Dallas once again helps me out of my clothes as I watch him get out of his. He gives me a pill that was in the pocket of his jeans, saying that the pain should come in the middle of the night and he wants me to have a good sleep. Pulling the bed sheets down, he gets in, and soon as I’m pressed tight against his side, my thigh now over his. He pulls the blankets up to my shoulders, making sure I’m held just right. “This was nice, Rya, to see everyone again. I’ve been away too long.” I’m smiling into his skin now. “I’m happy for you, Dallas.” The opiate he gave me before bed is working as it begins to eat my vision away, my body sinking further into his. His fingers play with the ends of my hair. “I want you here with me when I begin my training, Rya.” That’s the last I remember as I fall asleep in his arms. *** Waking up by myself in bed, I dress awkwardly before going into the kitchen. The pain in my arm is biting into my bone. I’m hurting. Dallas is at the table with his parents having morning coffee. It’s just him and his parents talking quietly in the soft light of morning. “You’re up. I didn’t want to wake you.” Dallas gets up, pulling a chair out for me to sit down and pushing it in slightly. He looks at the pins. With a quick yank, the first one is out, and the next is just as fast. “The faster, the better, Rya,” he says as the pins are laying on the wooden table. “If I did it slow, it would hurt a lot more. Think of it as waxing: the slower you pull the paper away, the worse it hurts. Same with these things.” His parents smile at me. His mother is on his father’s right, with Dallas on his left. “How are you feeling?” his mother greets me softly. “It hurts, but I can deal with the pain.” Caleb walks up from downstairs, a mess. Bloodshot eyes, scratching his head, he’s shirtless with just his boxers on. He has scratch marks all over him; I think maybe they were made by two different pairs of claws. Opening the fridge, he takes the orange juice from the carton and drinks it all down in just a few big gulps. He tries to put it back into the fridge as his mother throws a spoon at his head. He barely moves in time as it catches the tip of his nose. “If it’s done, throw it out,” she snaps at him. I think this is how they show their love for one another. It’s a playful banter that they have. “Mom, listen.” He shakes the container with just barely a layer of juice left. “It’s not empty yet.” “You suck the living soul out of my body, Caleb.” But she smiles at him the way mothers do at their males who they love unconditionally. The Silverback Alpha laughs at the exchange. I don’t see Caleb playing any kind of games with his father. Maybe he knows better than to rile up the beast. “Get dressed. We’re leaving now.” Dallas is firm with the way he talks with Caleb, no motherly love in his voice. A flash of annoyance crosses Caleb’s face, but he does what his brother says without a word of displeasure. Once Caleb comes back up in his wrinkled clothes that he was wearing yesterday, we walk the brothers out to the car. “You’re going to be great, Rya. I can’t wait to visit you again.” Dallas believes everything he says to me. Dallas tells me that my arm will be better by the end of the week. We do what couples do, hug and kiss goodbye. I wave to him as he pulls away from the drive. I watch Alpha Clinton walk away with Luna Grace, hand in hand, into the snow-covered morning. Their footsteps leave behind a trail to track them by as they walk away from the house. I get back into my room. The phone is laying on the desk, innocently waiting for me to listen to Clayton’s messages. I’m curious but feel guilty about wanting to hear them. Taking a deep breath, I click to the next message. This is a slow pain that I will hear. “Two years of watching you, Rya, I couldn’t wait to graduate. I honestly felt as if I were cheating on Kennedy if I stared too long at you. I could smell you. I always knew when you were getting close. I would make it a point to leave before you came around the corner. You made it easy, though. I think you avoided me as much as I wanted to avoid you.” He takes a long drink of something, ice clinking against the glass. “I would catch you by the fence watching your old soccer team. Your braid was down your back. You were playing with the end while you were seeing them win the championship. You were supposed to be captain that year, weren’t you? I never saw you against the soccer fence again. I did watch you leave with your head down, looking at your feet. The more I think about it, you stopped looking up. You started to walk with your eyes always downcast. Again I did nothing to help you. I could have said something. I could have been kinder. I wasn’t.” He’s run out of time; the message ends. “I remember you always used to laugh, even before I knew you were my mate. I remember hearing you laugh and thought what a cute sound. Unique. But as my last year of high school came to an end, I realized you never laughed anymore. In fact, I thought you forgot how to speak. Your sound died. Mine didn’t. You had to endure my laugh, didn’t you? I made sure you would hear how happy I was with Kennedy. I made sure that you understood there was never going to be any chance for you with me.” “I remember after I graduated I saw you a total of six times before you finally left. I wish it was for good back then. I prayed to the moon you didn’t come back. It was easier for me. I didn’t have to watch the way I ruined you. The first time I saw you after graduation was at a pack party. You hardly came to those functions unless attendance was mandatory. I think my mother did that on purpose just to see my reaction to you. I would purposely feed Kennedy in front of the entire pack because I loved her, while I knew you watched on. Sick, isn’t it? I did it, though, and I watched you all alone at one of the back picnic tables by yourself with nothing to eat because by the time you were allowed to eat, nothing was ever left. You turned yourself away from the pack. I could see your shoulders trembling, your hands wiping at your eyes. I felt bad, but not bad enough to really care.” The call ends with him taking another drink. “I’m going to have Caleb train Clayton.” Dallas’s voice is such a contrast to Clayton’s. “I saw you again for the first time a year later, Rya. It was another pack barbecue. By then, your shoulders were permanently hunched over like that of an old person who had a hard life, except you were still in high school. You didn’t even bother to face the pack. You just kept your back to everyone with nothing to eat. You sat there for just a few minutes, making an appearance before leaving. No one really cared, did they? Seeing you like that, but no one cared enough to do anything for you, help you in any way, that’s including me. I could have said something, but I thought, no, it would encourage you in the wrong way about me.” This is a slow pain from deep inside that just gets harder and harder to deal with. Dallas is on the messages again. “I just want you to know that you are my first thought in the morning and my last thought before going to bed at night. I want you to know that I packed all my pictures up. She will always be in my heart, Rya, but you right now are my soul.” I smile at his truths. He makes me feel good about who I am. “The next few times I saw you, the exact same thing: you sat with your back to us, no one spoke to you, and you left. I never got to see your face those times. A part of me wanted to. I remember the last time I saw you, the same thing again. I was getting used to seeing your back, never your face. Your hair was really long, always braided. I loved the color of your hair; it suited you somehow. I felt guilty for thinking that back then, because I loved Kennedy’s hair, but I liked your hair more, thinking back. I remember my mother congratulating your parents on how you got accepted into the midwife program at some college. You know what? Kennedy was accepted to university for this special art program. I remember when she got her acceptance letter in the mail. Jumping up and down, there was only two things she ever wanted to be in life: a mother and an artist. The first I could never give her, and the second I took away from her. I told her I would miss her too much. What I was really worried about was if she found her mate and never came back to me. I was scared that if she went away, she would never come back…but for you, I wished you would never come back.” He hangs up. Maybe he’s upset with his own revelation about himself. “Rya, I just want to tell you that I am so proud of you again,” Dallas whispers sleepily, as if he’s drifting off to bed. “I was doing some thinking. You should thank me for your education, because if you were with me, I don’t think you would ever have become a midwife. You would have never gone past high school. So at least I can take some credit for that. You got yourself an education, not having to depend on anyone to support you except yourself. I’m trying really hard to look at the things differently now. If we were together, you would have never met Dallas. I like that wolf. Sure, we have some differences that need to get worked out, but all in all, he’s not bad. I like certain things that his pack does. I like the way he’s setting things up around here. I like that you get to fight with fists instead of getting whipped because of your nature.” He’s talking so long that his time ran out again. “Another birth, Rya, another male. I’m doing things I never thought I could do.” Dallas hangs up, not saying anything else. “Kennedy knew you were coming back soon. The midwife just died. Our pack needed you. Funny, isn’t it? No one cared about you all that time, and now you’re going to be caring for all our future pups. Ironic, isn’t it? I give you credit. I would never have come back.” He inhales a long pull from something, holding it into his lungs before he exhales out with a small cough. “I saw you in your car opening the door, closing it. I saw your white knuckles on top the steering wheel. Kennedy was beside me at the window. She was curious how you looked after all these years. I have to confess that for the last few months we really weren’t getting along too good. We were fighting more and more. I wanted to break up with her, she wanted to break up with me, but we never really did because we still loved each other. But I think the end was near. My sister just got pregnant, and that was a common ground for us because we could take care of her together. Kennedy had this new sparkle in her eyes. I remember that we made love the night before you came back. She asked me to mark her; I think it was to show you that she was mine. I had to stop a long time ago from biting her neck, it hurt her too bad, but that night she begged me to do it. I did because I love biting when I’m inside her. I remember that when you got out of your car, I saw your face for the first time in six years. I had to lean against the wall, my legs started to shake so bad. Kennedy started to cry at how I was reacting to you. In that moment, my wolf gave its first growled threat out toward her. He’s never done that before. I told her to leave our room so I could get under control. I kept looking out my window until I saw you leave. I couldn’t take my eyes off you. You had the most perfect body I have ever seen on a female.” His last words are spoken softly, as if reliving the moment. Are his eyes closed with the picture of me walking away from him? In this moment, all I want him to remember is my back.
Chapter 5
Chapter 5 It Comes Full Circle Kennedy “Get out.” Electrified pain hurts my nerve endings, anguish, curling my shoulders with his spoken words. “Get out!” His voice gets louder. I uncurl my body away from his, my hatred for myself spreading inside like a malignant cancer that’s eating away at my insides. Without another word, I walk out of his room and into mine, making sure I close the door behind me. It’s hard to face him, his hate so vicious it leaves a thick coating that clogs my pores so my skin has a hard time breathing. Getting dressed in clothes that no longer fit my expanding body is just the tip of my own humiliation. I walk down the stairs. It’s mid-morning. Usually, I’m already up, starting on the mural I’m trying to finish before I go away. The Luna is there talking with Rya. I keep my head down, unable to meet their eyes. My shame is too much to bear. “How are feeling this morning, Kennedy?” The Luna is always pleasant with me, even though I know she can’t stand me in her home. She loves her son very much. “Good, thank you for asking.” I still don’t meet their eyes as I take a seat at the table, taking a piece of fruit. I don’t make myself anything to eat. I don’t go into their fridge or their cupboards. I only eat what is offered, and I think they are being too generous with someone like me. The peach is sweet, the way Rya smells. She’s always been sweeter; I just was too sour to notice it. “I was just thinking that we could go into town, seeing as Rya can’t train for a few days. I thought maybe us females could have a shopping day?” “I’m not sure.” Rya has hesitance in her voice. I know it’s because I’m invited. “It’s okay, you females go. I have no money to go.” A wash of shame hits me. I have no money of my own. I never had to work before, and I’ve no savings, nothing to fall back on. “Kennedy, you need new clothes. You’re going to grow out of those very fast, especially with twins. We haven’t had twins in the pack for maybe fifty years. Besides, Cash has money. He has enough for you.” I nod my head, keeping it down. “Rya, come. It would be fun to get some new stuff. I don’t get the chance to go shopping. Maybe we could get something to eat after?” I can hear the excitement in the Luna’s voice while she speaks with Rya. There is never excitement in that voice when she speaks to me. “If it’s money—” “No, it’s not money. I have my own. It’s just that I don’t want to be around her.” Rya’s voice is hard to my ears, as it should be. “I don’t blame you, Rya. If I were you, I’d feel the same way about me. I don’t know what to say to make things better for you. I don’t know what I could even possibly say for what I have done to you. Sorry isn’t good enough.” I let my words hang in the air, except they fall down like bricks smashing on the floor as soon as Cash walks into the room. I can’t look at him either, so I just keep my head down, hands in my lap. Trying not to cry, I pick the edges of my nails. I use to have beautiful nails, colorful long nails. “Rya, you can do and feel whatever you want. I can’t even begin to understand how difficult this must be for you. I just thought that it would be nice to get out of the house. We all need to get stuff, so why not go together?” “Where are you guys going?” “Shopping,” Luna Grace says to Cash. I don’t feel his eyes on me anymore. It’s like I don’t even exist to him. I don’t blame him at all. “She going with you?” “Yes, Kennedy’s coming. She needs money. Can you please give her some?” He huffs out a breath, heading upstairs before coming back to place his wallet in front of me. I have to stop myself from bringing it to my nose, holding it there, and inhaling deeply from it. His scent is comforting. I can close my eyes and just pretend that things are different between us. “Take what you need.” That’s the most he’s spoken to me in a very long time. I just nod my head at him, unable to find my voice. “Good, it’s settled. Let’s go. Rya, go get your purse. I’m driving!” She sounds slightly childish with her excitement. Rya gets up, grumbling underneath her breath. I can’t hear what she’s saying, but I know it’s some slur directed at me. I wait until the two females are ready. I don’t care what I look like; it’s not like I’m going to run into anyone I know or who even gives me a second glance. It’s quiet on the car ride. I stay a small distance away from them as they look at cute clothes that I have no hope of fitting into anymore. I just follow and listen to the way Luna Grace is encouraging Rya to try on these beautiful clothes that make her look like the moon herself. I notice the way Luna Grace is pulling outfits that really suit Rya’s figure, skin tone. The colors make her eyes look eerily beautiful. Rya, for her part, is smiling more. I can see the way her confidence is growing when looking at herself in the mirror and liking what she sees. She’s not the little wolf that went away broken and defeated. No, this is a strong female wolf who is coming into her own. A Luna in the making. Passing by another maternity shop, I bite my tongue with the way I want to ask if I could just go in and look for something for myself. Looking in the window as we pass, I try not to look at the reflection staring back in the glass. She’s not someone I want to see. The shopping is winding down. They have gotten themselves lots of bags filled with things that I used to get for myself every week. We pass the maternity shop on the way out. I keep my head down with the way they just forgot about me. I said nothing this whole trip. No one asked my opinion on anything, and I don’t blame them. I bump into the Luna’s back as she stops in the middle of the mall. “Kennedy, we just passed by another shop. Don’t you want to go in and get some things you need?” “It’s okay, Luna Grace. I don’t need anything.” “That’s ridiculous. You should have asked to go in when we passed it twice. I’m not a mind reader. You need to ask for what you want,” she scolds. She also turns on Rya. “That goes for you as well. If you need something, ask me.” This little lesson done, she smiles to the both of us. Walking into the store, I can’t help but notice all the colorful dresses. If this were another situation, I would have all these cute outfits to buy. I would make myself look as beautiful as I could. Instead, I grab black shorts, black pants, and a few grey and white tops. Nothing fancy, nothing that catches the eyes. I get a plain summer dress that doesn’t flatter me at all. I don’t come out of the changing room to show off how I look. Instead, I take the pile of my new clothes to the counter to pay. I open up his wallet, and a picture of his family greets my eyes that makes me smile slightly. Looking down, I notice that popular book that goes through your pregnancy step by step, day by day. “You should buy two of those books—one for you, one for Cash,” Luna Grace advises. I do as she says, buying two of those books. We’re running late, so we decide to eat at home instead of at the mall. The driveway has cars in it that weren’t there when we left. When we walk into the house, Alpha Clinton is talking to a group of females with Carson and Crane hovering around them. They have their beautiful bodies on display, while the two brothers look on in appreciation. A flash of red on lips the color of blood wine. They have an invitation out for the males that they are available if they want them. More males show up with shaved heads, letting the females know that they are ready whenever they are. I put all the pieces together early on. I just need to sit back and watch everything. Cash comes down the stairs looking like he just got cleaned up for the arrival of all these guests. He makes no introductions of who I am to him. I stand there like a statue, looking at his shaved head. I watch a female touch his head, and he lets her. My first tear comes down my face when he walks her down the stairs, leading the way with her close behind. I deserve this for everything I have put him through. I just hope he finds someone good, someone who will treat my young like their own. It’s impossible to hide my tears from everyone else. They don’t look at me. It’s easier if they don’t. The only one who really is looking is Rya. She’s just staring. I understand now just a fraction of what she has had to endure at my hands.
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